The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Two Italian Men
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner. "She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much? "She says, "A hundred dollars. "He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty. She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A hand job". She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?
The Moral Is
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate and ate. Finally,she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do now, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when she hit the floor. Dead. The moral to the story is:
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
Ma and Pa are sitting on the porch swing one evening enjoying the warm breeze and the night sounds. Suddenly, for no reason at all, Ma hauls off and slaps Pa up side the head so hard he falls off the swing. Dazed, Pa gets up and asks, 'What the hell was that for?' To which Ma replies, 'That's for 20 years of bad sex!' Pa says nothing and gets back on the swing. About 5 minutes of silence later, he hauls off and slaps Ma up side the head equally hard. Ma gets up dazed and asks, 'What was that for?'
To which Pa replies, 'That's for knowing the damn difference!'
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, and she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no toilet paper, so he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "Let me see what you're holding in your hand." The boy said, "It's a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll run away." He was sent to the principal's office and the principal requested, "Let me see what you're holding in your hand." The little boy said, "It's a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll run away." He was then sent home and his Mom asked him, "Let me see what you're holding in your hand? The little boy said, "Mom, It's a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll run away." He was sent to his room until his dad came in and demanded, "Let me see what you're holding in your hand." Again, the little boy said, "It's a little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll run away." Dad got really mad and yelled, "Stop being such a smart aleck and open your damn hand NOW!"
The little boy opened his hand and said, "Way to go dad, you scared the shit out of him!"
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, 'I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it' A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, 'Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!' The young man waited a moment and replied, 'You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.'
His father replied, 'Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!'
More One Liners
The top 40 things you will NEVER hear a Southerner say, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening.
40. Oh I just couldn't, man, she's only 16.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pick up and get a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. NO kids, not in the back of the pick up. It's just not safe.
31. Wrestling's fake.
30. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
29. We're vegetarians.
28. Do you think my gut is too big?
27. I'll just have the grapefruit and grapes instead of the biscuits and gravy.
26. Honey, we don't need another dog.
25. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
24. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
23. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
22. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
21. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
20. Trim the fat off that steak.
19. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
18. The tires on that truck are too big.
17. I thought Graceland was tacky.
15. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
14. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
13. Just look at her...those are way too big!
12. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw we haven't seen!
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You all.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight!
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist....Scientists at NASA have
developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made to borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it into smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britain's sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken."
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makesme happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be homefrom work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she replied. "Needs ironing!!"
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering,"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler,"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate." Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read.....
"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said, "Watch this!" and he poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad," said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said, "Watch this!" and he took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said, "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
One Liners Again
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick."
How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys have?
What do you call a 90 year old man who can still masturbate?
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A game of Bingo!
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"
If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings most likely.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say Shit?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo".
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went: "Well ya see Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.