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Pastor & Miss Bea
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.  The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.  She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things a condom.  Imagine his shock and surprise.  Imagine his curiosity!  Surely Miss Bea had flipped her lid or something...!  But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and it's strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.  "Miss Bea" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this" pointing to the bowl. "Oh yes" she replied "isn't it wonderful?  I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package.  The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.  And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter.

Mirror Mirror
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - *poof* - - you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.  Sooooo,  A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, " I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *poof* The mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." *poof* The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." *poof!

Young & Old
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.  He asks her what she's doing and she replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old."  The husband asks,  "What did he say about your 50-year-old ass?"  "Frankly, dear, your name didn't come up."

Still Blonde
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.  Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!  Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and Siren,  the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled  "PULL OVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Wife Bashing
(Q) How many men does it take to open a beer?
(A) None.  It should be opened by the time she brings it.

(Q) Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
(A) Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

(Q) Why do women have smaller feet than men?
(A) So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

(Q) How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
(A) When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...

(Q) How do you fix a woman's watch?
(A) You don't.  There is a clock on the oven.

(Q) Why do men pass gas more than women?
(A) Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

(Q) If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
(A) The dog of course.  At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

(Fact) All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell 
them apart.

(Fact) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

(Fact) I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt 
her.

(Fact) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

(Fact) Scientist have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%...... Wedding Cake.

(Fact) Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

(Fact) Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

(Fact) In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

(Q) Why do men die before their wives?
(A) They want to.


Oh Well
A guy calls home from work, and a strange woman answers the phone. "Who is this?" he asks. "This is the maid. I was hired just this morning by the lady of the house," she replies. "This is her husband. Is my wife there?" "Well, she's upstairs in the bedroom. but I thought he was her husband!" says the woman. "What!" the guy yells. "How would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" the maid asks. "I want you to get the gun from my desk and shoot that whore and the jerk with her. It's justifiable homicide!" The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back on the phone and asks, "What should I do with the bodies?" "Just throw them in the swimming pool," says the guy. "What pool?" she asks. "Um-is this 294-8125?"

Chunks
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around  the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

Still Blonde
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.  She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.  The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?" She
replies: "I just love it.  It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, there's  one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Getting Whacked & Bonked!
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "Geez," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK!!- the big dude knocks him down again and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." 
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so. When he returns, without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --BONK!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold. The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."
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Offensive
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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends".

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day.
What do single guys have?  Palm Sunday.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people have a chance to have sex too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

What three, two-letter words denote "small"?
"Is it in?"

If you are having sex with one woman and another walks in, what do you have?  Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
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More Offensive
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Where does an Irish family go on vacation?  A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?  A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?  They're hiring.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?  A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." 
A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."


Park Smart
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.  The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.  "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.  "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"  The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

The Devil
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in a tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.  Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the church.  Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.  Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. This confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and asked,"Don't you know who I am?"  The man replied, "Yep. Sure do."  Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"  "Nope. Sure ain't." said the man.  Satan, a little perturbed at this, queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?  "The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Blonde In A Blizzard
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.  She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.  She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.  She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.  That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.  This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.  As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very snug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.  After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.  She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.  The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.