A blond calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?" "Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blond wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box.
There were two brothers who were national yodeling champions. One day their car broke down in the middle of nowhere and they had to put up at a farmhouse. As fate would have it, there was a beautiful daughter at the house.
The two brothers had a way of communicating over several miles by yodeling to each other. One particular yodel (ayla-de-o-la-tee-to) signaled trouble, and meant for the other one to run. Anyway, the farmer warned the two brothers not to mess with his daughter. The next morning, the farmer was up before dawn, and caught his daughter in bed with one of the brothers. He grabbed his gun and shouted that he would start counting, and if the guy wasn't out of his sight by the count of five, he would start shooting. Well, the fellow high-tailed it out of there and was just jumping over the fence when the farmer hit 3. He yodeled the tune to warn his brother of impending doom, when the farmer suddenly shot him. The other brother came running out of his room and said, "What happened?" The farmer said, "I caught your brother sleeping with my daughter and although I gave him a fair chance, before he was out of sight he yelled, 'I laid the old lady too,' so I shot him."
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much
gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code
Somebody hollers "hoe down" and your girlfriend hits the floor
The most common phrase heard in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle"
The Salvation Army declines your mattress
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car
You and your dawg share the same tree
You climbed up the city water tower with a can of spray paint to protect your sister's honor
You ever had "hot flashes" at a cattle auction
You find yourself staring at a container of Orange Juice because you spotted the word "concentrate"
You have been married three times and still have the same inlaws
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table
You own a mobile home and 14 cars that aren't
You refer to your wife and mother-in-law as dual airbags
You think the "Nutcracker" is something you did off of the high dive
You wear a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool
Your dawg passes gas and you claim it
Your grandmother can properly execute the Sleeper Hold
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language
Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list
Your own a Waffle House credit card
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat
Your wife has ever said "come move this transmission so I can take a bath"
You've ever given rat traps as gifts
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made. Using a process developed by Helice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community. She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week. One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened." Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permisson to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure."
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's
jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people." That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine. He thinks I'm a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says 'Who I Am Makes A Difference' on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor you. "My days are really hectic and when I come home I don't pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You're a great kid and I love you!" The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "I was planning on committing suicide tomorrow, Dad, because I didn't
think you loved me. Now I don't need to."
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
Your are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half his age..... and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools .
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandles.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairer than your head.
You talk about "good grass," and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking .
You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
When "pick-up sticks", "jacks" and "mumbly peg" were the games of chance and skill.
When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.
When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table.
When all your male teachers wore either neckties every day.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.
When cigarettes were 22 cents and you got three pennies back on the pack.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
When Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.
When roller skates had keys.
When telephone numbers began with letters ie; AT8-4167 (Atwater 8, 4167).
When the doctor came to the house.
When the Milkman delivered milk to the box by the back door (and skimming the cream off the top for the folk's morning coffee!!).
When there were two types of sneakers for boys.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed-- and did.
When walking to school 3 miles was a piece of cake.
When we did popcorn in a pan on top of the stove.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil changed, and gas pumped,without asking, for free, every time.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais.. Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay." "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"
Gently massaging the trick knee of a curvacious young patient, the doctor inquired, "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you???
A young punker gets on the crosstown bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelery and his earrings are big bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets self conscious and spits at the old man: "What 'er you starin' at you old fart, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?!" Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yeah. When I got out of the Navy I got real drunk and fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you was my son."
Guest asks to split a glass of water, no ice.
Guest needs a doggie bag for the left-over bread they didn't eat.
Guest wonders if you have samples of wine, like they have samples of ice cream at Baskin Robbins.
Asks, "Is this all you get?" each time a new course is brought to the table.
Asks, "Are refills free?" When the answer is yes, sucks down the beverage right in front of you, then asks for another.
Guest says, "I'm only having a cup of soup, I'm saving room for dessert."
Wants to know if it's OK to split a beverage and/or entree among five people.
The adults at the table are discussing in length the variety on the kids menu.
Guest asks for a doggie bag, and it's a buffet.
Guest wonders if you could "Super-Size" their twenty-five dollar entree.
Wants a free cake to celebrate Uncle Jimmy's parole.
Wonders if they provide spittoones as well as ashtrays in the smoking section.
Guest says their doctor put them on a strict diet--No entrees over six dollars.
Wonders if they get a discount for using their own silverware..
The less teeth in the mouth...the less money on the table.
One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heart-broken. After eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm, I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
Her ass has its own congressman.
Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
Her blood type is Ragu.
Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Her nickname is DAMN!
People jog around her for exercise.
She can't even jump to a conclusion.
She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
When she dances she makes the band skip.
When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?" The girl says, "Because I licked the frosting off of the couch."