A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tell the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife. "What type of bra?" asked the clerk
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?" "There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?" The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain's out of mole hills."
What's Your Daddy Do
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy", replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy.
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor dear is several sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her eccentric behaviour, and some of them even join in the fun. One day Ethel is speeding along one of the corridors when a man steps out of one of the doorways with his arm outstretched: "Stop!" he says firmly, "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fishes around in her handbag and pulls out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which she hands to him with a big smile. "OK," he says, and off she goes again. Taking the corner by the TV lounge on one wheel as usual, she finds another man standing in the corridor in front of her. "Stop! Have you got a valid tax disc for that vehicle, madam?" Ethel digs into her handbag again and comes up with a well-used beer-mat, which she presents for inspection, whereupon she is sent on her way once more. Heading down the last corridor before the front door, a third man steps out in front of her. He is stark naked, and holding a sizeable erection in one hand. "Oh no," cries Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"
When I Get Released
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?" The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately." Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities." The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
Where Be My Wife?
A young farmer is newly married and the couple can't get enough of it. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn they tear off a piece and when he returns home at evening they have another go before and after supper and maybe a couple more during the night. The problem is during the day: the fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses so much time traveling home and back again at noon that he decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do. "Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin' just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time." Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while. One day though the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit and he notices Homer sitting alone inside looking very morose. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?" "Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and do it after which Beckie'd go back home." "So what's the problem?" "Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since the huntin' season got started!"
Where Do Babies Come From
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for the family when her youngest daughter walks in, Child: Mother, where do babies come from? Mom: Well dear....a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth, what do you get when you do that? Mom: Jewelry, Dear
Where Is That Bird From
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"
Who is Jack Schitt?
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and
the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school
dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later
married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous last name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken >Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
Who Stole My Hoss
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on those of a British background, which he was. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddled-up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to bloody walk home..."
Who To Fire
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed
after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus.
Who Wears The Pants
On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body. She said, "I can't wear your pants." "That's right!" said the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family." The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try them on. "No way. I can't get into your panties." "That's right! And that's the way it will be until you change your attitude."
Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: He was stuck to the chicken
Q: What`s the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Q: Why did the condom cross the road?
Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ?
Why It's Great To Be A Guy
001. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
002. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
003. You know stuff about tanks.
004. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
005. Monday Night Football.
006. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
007. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
008. You can open all your own jars.
009. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
010. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
011. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
012. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
013. All your orgasms are real.
014. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
015. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
016. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
017. You understand why Stripes is funny.
018. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
019. Your last name stays put.
020. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
021. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
022. You can kill your own food.
023. The garage is all yours.
024. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
025. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
026. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
027. You never have to clean the toilet.
028. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
029. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
030. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
031. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
032. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
033. The National College Cheerleading Championship
034. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
035. You don't have to shave below your neck.
036. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
037. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
038. You can write your name in the snow.
039. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
040. Everything on your face stays its original color.
041. Chocolate is just another snack.
042. You can be president.
043. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
044. Flowers fix everything.
045. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
046. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
047. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
048. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
049. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
050. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
051. Foreplay is optional.
052. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
053. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
054. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
055. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
056. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
057. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
058. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
059. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
060. The world is your urinal.
061. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
062. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
063. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
064. One mood, all the time.
065. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
066. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
067. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
068. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
069. Same work....more pay.
070. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
071. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
072. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
073. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
074. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
075. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
076. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
077. The remote is yours and yours alone.
078. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
079. ESPN's sports center.
080. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
081. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
082. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
083. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
084. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
085. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
086. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
087. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
088. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
089. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
090. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
091. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
092. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
093. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
094. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
095. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
096. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
097. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
098. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
100. There is always a game on somewhere.com
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why? Did anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we over looked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: it was an instinctive manouvre, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
Why Parents Get Gray
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent
problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone
number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello? Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home? "Yes", whispered the small voice "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"
Wife's Sex Life
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are making love?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did he look?" "Very angry." At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting; we must look into this, further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. Why was it that you saw his face at this time?" "He was looking at us through the window."
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm. She was bracing herself by holding a lightpost with one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see. The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, eveybody is taking a look at what you've got. Don't you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?" "Look, sonny,.... what these people are looking at is 85 years old. ...But the hat is BRAND NEW!"
December 8, 6:00 PM: It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket
of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What
a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole
World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled
for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow lovely snow!
Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but
I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
December 15: Twenty inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my backside on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darned snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white
Christmas because 13 more inches of the white STUFF fell today, and it's
so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to
get all dressed up to go but to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom.
By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom and
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts??!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24: Six inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the yo-yo who drives that snowplow, I'll drag his heinie through the snow. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darned snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. Twenty more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. How I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I may kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE #@**%# WIFE is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it might cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. Nine inches predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just
love the little white pills they're giving me. Why am I tied
to the bed?
Wish I Had A
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits,a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it." The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please", and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says "I'll have the same", and the cat says "I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it". Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich."I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there." says the man. The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?" "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy!"
Words Of Wisdom
To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart. Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; If he betrays you twice, it's your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
God gives every bird it's food, But he does not throw it into it's nest.
He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, But so few people can hold it.
Work Vs Prison
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison you get 3 meals a day. At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes all doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.
In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends. At work you can't even speak to family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside, wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic. At work we call them "Managers". Go figure.
World Women's Conference
At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
Driving our family to a new restaurant, I took several wrong turns. When I finally found the right road, I asked my husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?" "I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving."