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Vacationing Penguin
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices  that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees  oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and  stops at the first gas station.After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.  He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona,  decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands,  he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.  After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."  "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Valentine's Day
Three men drinking in a bar; a doctor, an attorney and a biker.  As the doctor was drinking his white wine, he said, "For Valentine's Day, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.  This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat, she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."  As the attorney was drinking his martini, he said, "For Valentine's Day, I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet.  This way, if she doesn't like the dress, she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."  As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey, he said, "For Valentine's Day, I'm going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator.  This way, if she doesn't like the t-shirt, she can go screw herself!"

Vampire Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.  "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.  Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?"  he asked. "YES,  YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.   "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I damn well didn't!"

Vantastic
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van -- you know, shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that -- and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please  whip me!"
Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl  until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.  Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she  sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one  look at the wounds and exclaims, "WOW! LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT A BAD CASE OF VAN  AERIAL DISEASE!"

Vasectomy
I can understand why men don't like  vasectomies.  My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard.  He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt.

Vasectomy 2
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up.  Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"  "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."  "That's a big decision!  Have you talked it over with your family?"  "Yeah,... and they're in favor 15 to 2."

Vasoline And Putty
First, did you hear about the guy that didn't know the difference between vasoline and putty?  His windows all fell out.

Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:  Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"  Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"  Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"  Dog: "Doin alright"  Rancher: (Extreme look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher) Dog : "Yep."  Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"  Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,  and takes me to the lake once a week to play."  Rancher: (Look of disbelief) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"  Rancher: "Horses don't talk!" Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"  Horse: "Cool" Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher) Horse: "Yep."  Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"  Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."  Rancher: (Total look of amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"  Rancher: (Stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...."Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothing but liars!!!"

Venus Statue
The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class?  Let's start with you, Robert."  "The artwork," says Robert.    "Very good. And you, Peter?"  "Her tits!" says Peter.  "Peter, get out!   Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust.  "And you, Johnny?"  "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

Viagra Theft
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot.  Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

Virgin Birth
A woman takes her daughter to the gynechologist, who has been experiencing some rather strange symptoms.  The doctor does some tests and asks if her daughter has been sexually active at all.  Emphatically, the mother answers, "Oh no, Doctor.  My little girl wouldn't do anything like that!"  The doctor wandered over to the window staring out.  "Is there something wrong Doctor?" The doctor says, "I was just looking out at the sky.  Last time something like this happened, a bright star appeared in the east."

Virgin?
Redneck Billy Joe and Redneck Mary Sue are joined in holy matrimony.  They spend their wedding night at the Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in  Parthenon, Arkansas.  They've abstained from the big deed until this very night.  Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him.  "Wait, Billy Joe.  I just thought you should know..this ain't just our first time.  It's my first time ever.  I'm a virgin.  I been savin' myself just for you."  "Whut you say, Mary Sue?"  "I said, I'm a virgin.  One hunnert percent cherry.  Just for you on our weddin' night."  "Yore a VIRGIN??"     He asked somewhat shocked.  "That's right.  Please be gentle."  "Gentle?  Gentle my ass.  I'm outta here!"  With that, Billy Joe pulls up his pants, and leaves his virgin bride lying alone He slams the door, gets in his pickup, and drives home.  "Paw!  Paw!  Wake up!  Yore not gonna believe this!"  "Huh?  Billy Joe, whut the hell you doin' here?  It's 3AM on yore weddin' night!  Why the hell ain't you and that purty new wife of yours in a haystack somewhere doing it like rabbits?"  "Paw, I wuz all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that she's a virgin!"  "A VIRGIN?"  "That's right, Paw.  One hunnert percent cherry.  As soon as she told me, I got the hell outta there as fast as I could!"  "Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing... Cuz if she ain't good enough fer her own fam'ly, she certainly ain't good enough for ours!"

Waitress
A man stops by a diner at noon, the  busiest time of day, sits down at the counter, and asks for a cup of  coffee.  The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes  off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.    The man, who uses both creamer and sugar  in his coffee, notices that the sugar container is empty, and there are no little packets of creamer in the rack that holds those.  As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his  coffee.  The waitress, busier than she can ever  remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.  As she  passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate  down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her  hands are full.    After she has served the two plates she  was holding, she returns to the man and askes him, "How many sugar cubes  did you want in your coffee?"  The man says, "Two."   She reaches into her bra pulls out two sugar cubes, and drops them into his  cup.  "And cream," She says.  The man looks her directly in  the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare."

Washing The Dog
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.   "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."  "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.  About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.  "Oh, he died," the boy said.  The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."  "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."  "Oh? What was it then?"  "I think it was the spin cycle!" 

Wedding  Vows
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriages are made in heaven.  But so again, are thunder and lightning. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.  After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Wedding Anniversary
Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam  says to Becky "Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"  Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now?  You don't want to ask that question..."  "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."  "Well, all right.  Yes, 3 times..."  "Three, hmmm, well when were they?" as his face turned red, but realizing he had pressured her...   "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?  Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"  "Oh, Becky, you did that for me!  I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"  "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?"  "I can't believe it!!  Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?"  "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club .... And you were 17 votes short...."

Wedding Day
On his wedding day, the groom walked down the isle with a big grin on his face. His best man said "I know this is your wedding day but I've never seen you with such a big smile".  The groom whispered "I  just got the best blow job I've ever had".  As the bride walked down the isle she too grinned from ear to ear. Her bridesmaid said to her "I know this is the happiest day in your life but I have never seen you with a bigger smile.  To which the bride whispered "I've just given my last blow job"

Wedding Gift
A carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist had a mutual friend who was getting married, and in keeping with the custom, each was determined to play a practical joke on the newlyweds.  The electrician decided to wire up the marriage bed so that when the two bodies touched, they got a shock.   The carpenter planned to saw partly through the bed frame so that it would collapse when the shocked newlyweds jumped apart.  And as the wedding approached, the dentist was still scratching his head and trying to come up with something. After the honeymoon, the new husband confronted his three friends:  "I didn't mind too much when we got zapped," he told them, "and we both had a good laugh when the bed fell down.  But who in hell put Novocain in the Vaseline?"

Weird Laws
Arkansas:
     --A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.
       California: 
     --In L.A., a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as 
       long as it  is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission 
       to use a wider strap.
     --It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving 
       vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Massachusetts:
     --It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
     --North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns."
     --In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.
Indiana:
     --Monkey's are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
Illinois:
     --In Chicago, it is illegal to take a french poodle to the Opera.
     --According to state law, it is illegal to speak English.  The officially
       recognized language is "American."
     --In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet
Minnesota:
     --It is illegal to tease skunks.
     --Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
Michigan:
     --A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her husband.
     --Under state law, dentists are officially classified as "mechanics."
     --In Clawson, it is legal for a man to "sleep with his pigs, cows, 
       horses, goats, and chickens."
New York:
     --On Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a faggot 
        or queer in an effort to curb girlie behavior.
     --In NYC, "it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on 
       the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his 
       nose and wiggling the extended fingers of that hand."
North Carolina:
     --It is illegal to have sex in a Churchyard.
     --It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two 
       double beds.
Oklahoma:
     --Whale hunting is strictly forbidden.
     --People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
Ohio:
     --In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
     --In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a man's 
       picture.
     --In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
Oregon:
     --The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a 
        license. Montana:
     --In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks 
        attached to the wheels.
     --It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
Nebraska:
     --If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her 
        parents may be arrested.
     --It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a 
       state license.
Florida:
     --Unmarried women who parachute on Sunday's will be jailed.
Georgia:
     --In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
     --In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent 
       position.
Pennsylvania:
     --"Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him 
          must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or
          canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass.
          If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car
          part piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes."
Rhode Island:
     --Its illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
Tennessee:
     --It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
     --In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
     --In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man
        must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order
        to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
Texas:
     --The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned because it contains
        a formula for making beer at home.
     --It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
Utah:
     --A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his
        wife in his presence.
Virginia:
     --In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment
        to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
     --In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.
Vermont:
     --It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
     --It is illegal to whistle underwater.
     --Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to
        wear false teeth.

What Not To Say To A Cop
01. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
02. That uniform makes your butt look really big.
03. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
04. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
05. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
06. Hey, you must have been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
07. Good job!  I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
08. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
09. Bad Cop!  No Donut!
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. When you smack the crap out of me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.
12. I pay your salary!
13. Gee, thanks officer!  That's terrific.  The last officer only gave me a warning too.
14. Do you know why you pulled me over?  Okay, just so one of us does.
15. I was trying to keep up with traffic.  Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
16. Sorry, I can't hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down.  I love this song.
17. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
18. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?