Warm eyes, wet lips, Gently touch my finger tips; Soft sighs, silky hair, Longing for me to touch her there; Her begging eyes, Her whimpering cries; Urgent needs of one so sweet, Bring me quickly to my feet; The night is warm, there is no doubt, It's my turn to take the dog out.
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" Again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby. See ya on Tuesday!"
Town So Small That
They had to widen the main street, to paint the white line down the middle. They only had one yellow page. Baskin Robbins had only nine flavors. One lady left her porch light on in December, and won first prize for her Christmas decorations. They only had a semi-"circle K."
They had to share their horse with another town. No one used their turn signals, because everyone knew where you're going. All the 'City Limit' signs were on one pole. The same guy got all the Father's Day cards. They had to close the Zoo, because the chicken died. Their only traffic light changed weekly. The first baby-of-the-year was born in July. The town hooker is still a virgin.
President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly would be no great loss."
One day, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son play with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving." The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come back down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother was still in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are dismbarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and hope you enjoy the trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"
Traveling Salesman 1
A traveling saleman found himself, very late at night, far into the the country without a motel in sight. He stopped at a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could possibly spend the night. The farmer kindly agreed, but told the salesman he would have to share the bed with his young son. Having no alternative, the salesman agreed. Just after they tucked in for the night, the young boy jumped out of bed, and kneeled by the side of the bed. The salesman, deciding that he should follow the boy's example, got out of bed and kneeled down on his own side of the bed. When the boy saw this, he asked the salesman... "say....what're ya doin?"... the salesman replied "why...I'm doing the same thing your doing". They boy responded "I hope not. The pot's over here!"
Traveling Salesman 2
A traveling salesman is in a small town in the midwest, when his trip is suddenly prolonged for an extra month. He was already getting bored there and over the course of the extra month he becomes very homesick. Finally, he decides to give in to temptation and visit the local brothel. He walks up to the madam and hands her a hundred dollars and says, "Give me the worst blowjob in town." The madam says, "For this kind of money, you can have the best blowjob." "No, no," says the man, "You don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
Tree Of Life
A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "Riding my bike."
Billy (age 5) is sitting on his front porch steps playing a game. With one arm he's holding a cat, the other hand is full of M&M's. To play this game Billy starts at the top of the steps. He eats a couple M&M's, bites the cat, then moves down a step. Eats some more M&M's, bites the cat & moves down a step. When Billy gets to the bottom of the steps he goes back to the top and starts over. Inside the house Billy's mother is watching him. She sticks her head out the window and asks Billy what he's doing. Billy replies, "Mommy I'm playing Truck Driver". Confused by the answer she has Billy explain how he figures he's playing Truck Driver. Billy replies, "I'm popping pills, eating pussy and moving on"!!
Turn On The Light
An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He what?" she cried. "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!!!" "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown. The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, What's wrong with you? In a very weak voice the little guy says, Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude said, I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown. The small guy says, Thank God!! I thought you said 'Turn around'.
One day, a married couple bore twin sons. They couldn't afford to keep them, however, so they put them up for adoption. One of the boys went to a Spanish family and was named Juan. The other son went to an Egyptian family and was named Amal. Some years later, Juan became curious about his real parents. After researching and finally locating them, he sent them a nice letter and a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, the original mother said "I'm so glad that he's happy. And what a wonderful picture. I wish we had a picture of Amal. I wonder what he looks like." And her husband turned to her and said, "I wouldn't worry about it. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Two aliens land in the middle of outback Australia, near a recently abandoned GAS station. The first alien goes up to the gas pump (which he assumes to be an earthling), and says, "Take me to your leader." The gas pump doesn't say anything (naturally). The alien gets annoyed, and demands again, "Take me to your leader!" When the gas pump still doesn't reply; the alien gets really angry, and tells the pump that if he doesn't start talking, he will blast him. At this point the second alien nervously interrupts "Umm, Sir I don't think you should ...... " But the first alien will not be deterred, and he blasts away. There is a huge explosion; and after the smoke clears, the blackened aliens discover themselves lying 50 yards away from their destroyed space ship. "You see, Sir?" said the second alien. "I didn't think it would be wise to mess with a guy who can wrap his dick around his waist and stick it in his ear."
Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me" said the carrot, "how is he?" The doctor replied, "He's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Two Dutch Girls
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."
Two friends are sitting having coffee. One happens to be Jewish, the other Chinese. Suddenly the Jewish man stands up and CREAMS the guy right in the jaw, knocking him from his chair. The Chinese man gets up, brushes himself off, sits down and asks, "what was that about?" "That... was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man states matter-of-factly. The Chinese man responds, "That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, Korean, they're all the same to me, " says the Jew. They sit for a while longer, talking and sipping their coffee, when the Chinese man stands up, and Slugs the Jewish man SMACK in the jaw, knocking him from his chair. The Jewish man picks himself up from the floor, brushes himself off, sits back down and inquires what that was for. "That's for the TITANIC," the Chinese man says in a matter-of-fact sorta way. "The Titanic? What could I have anything to do with the Titanic?!? It was sunk by an Iceberg." The Chinese man casually responds, "Iceberg, Rosenberg, Goldberg, they're all the same to me."
Two hillbillies were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, Turning blue from wolfing down a Possum Burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?" "Yep," said the second hillbilly. The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no. With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time!"
Jon bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me" she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey.
A union worker is on the job. There's a snail down by his feet. He lifts up his leg and stomps on the snail. SPLATT!!! The guy next to him asks, "What the hell did you do that for?" He replied, "The damn thing has been following me around all day."
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade hime to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you have not given one penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "UM....NO!". Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a car accident," the lawyer's voice rises in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you!!!"