A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now". So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it!
There was a tel-evangelist named Mark Shelley and during a recent appearance the following took place: Mark:" I want to heal some people today! I need some people to heal! "Please come up on stage if you need healing" A short time later Mike hobbled up to the stage on crutches and behind him came Bob. Mark shouted, "Halleluiah we have some healing to do today" Mark asked Mike his name and what was wrong with him. Mike replied that he no feeling in his leg and that he had not been able to walk without his crutches for twelve years. Mark then asked Bob the same question. Bob replied: "M-M-MM-MY n-n-name i-is B-B-B-Bob". Mark said "That's enough Bobby boy, I think we know your problem. We will fix your stuttering today son." Mark then massaged the two men vigorously while singing praises to the lord. Mark then ushered the two men behind a curtain, all the while singing and chanting and praying to GOD ALMIGHTY. By this time the audience were in a frenzy and Mark had to scream for them to be silent The audience were now silent and they waited eagerly for Mark o perform his magic. Then in a confident, authoritative voice Mark yelled: "Mike throw out your crutches." Mike's crutches came flying over the curtain and the audience clapped and cheered in excitement. Then Mark commanded Bob to speak and the audience waited in anticipation. He did not speak so Mark again ordered Bob to say something. Then in a loud voice Bob replied: "M-M-M-M-MIKES F-FALLEN O-O-OVER!!!!
Ten Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths
10) Ellen DeGeneres-Suffocates in the closet
09) Susan Lucci-Trips and breaks her neck running up steps to accept an Emmy
08) Jenny McCarthy-Struck by a random thought
07) Frank Sinatra-Killed by Stranglers in the Night
06) RuPaul-Prostate cancer
05) O.J. Simpson-Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
03) Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
02) Al Gore-Dutch Elm Disease
01) Bill Gates-Falls out of a Window
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl (a blonde?? ) standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "That must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once........"
Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One Texan said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no. He said, "Can you speak?" When again she shook her head no, he promptly pulled up her skirt and licked her bottom. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the obstruction and was able to breathe. After sitting back by his friend, the Texan said, "Funny how that hind lick maneuver works every time."
The Battle Of Bobbit Hillbillies
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone-
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his Dong with the swipe of a knife.
PENIS, That Is.
Missed His Nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
Ya'll Sleep on Your Stomachs Now, Ya Hear.........
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out at a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth." "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The woman was shocked but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
It is alledged that, Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the pharmacist to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the pharmacist and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
The Dog Was Catholic
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten foot fence. The kangaroo was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. The zoo erected a twenty-foot fence. Again the kangaroo got out. When the fence got to forty feet tall, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo replied, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody remembers to lock the gate!"
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until someone put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, the princess had frog legs for dinner.
A 25 year old Irishman just immigrated to U.S.A. and went into a local pub. It was men's night and they were having their annual penis-measuring contest. Well, the Irishman joined in, but he said he could do better than measuring just for size. He left the pub and returned from the convenience store next door with three walnuts. He placed them up on the counter, got up on the barstool and WACK, WACK, WACK, he broke all three walnuts. Of course, he won that night. This became a legend and every year they talked about this great man. 40 years later that same Irishman came back to that same pub on another men's night. Even after 40 years, everyone was still talking about this great legend. He introduced himself as that young man but nobody believed him. He said he would prove it. Sure enough, he left the pub and returned from the convenience store with three coconuts. He placed them on the counter, got up on the barstool and WACK, WACK, WACK, he broke all three coconuts. The pub went wild. One man approached him and asked, "I can't believe it. When you were 25 years old you could break walnuts and now that you are 65 you can break coconuts. How do you explain it?" The Irishman took a large breath and said, "My eyesight is not as good as it used to be."
A blonde is walking down a creek. While she's looking around she notices Judi walking along the other side of the creek. She yells to the other blonde. "Hey, how do I get to the other side?" Judi replies, "You are on the other side!"
The Senior Driver
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
16. We're working on that smell thing, too.
15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14. As seen on "COPS"
13. If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10. You rented the room, now buy the video.
09. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have
money left over for a hooker.
08. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
07. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on
*your* salary, pal!
06. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
05. It's Hookerriffic!
04. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
03. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since
02. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother
01. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"
The Town Was So Small That
They had to widen the main street to paint the white line down the middle. - They only had one yellow page. - Baskin Robbins had only nine flavors. - One lady left her porch light on in December and won first prize for herChristmas decorations. - They only had a semi-circle K. - They had to share their horse with another town. - No one used their turn signals because everyone knew where you are going. - All the City Limits signs were on one pole. - The same guy got all the Father's Day cards.- They had to close the Zoo because the chicken died. - Their only traffic light changed weekly. - The first baby of the year was born in July. - The town hooker is still a virgin.
The lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the Will: "To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good; the house and two million dollars. To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going; the yacht, the business and one million dollars. And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong; 'Hi Dan!'"
There's a Call for You
The Bishop runs into to the Pope's quarters and says "Your Holiness, I have good news and I have bad news!" Pope: "What's the good news? Bishop: "Jesus has returned to earth! He's on the phone and wants to speak with you!" Pope: "and the Bad News?" Bishop "He's calling from Salt Lake City!"
Thermodynamics Of Hell
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object. She asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos." The blonde then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps keeps cold things cold." The blonde says, "I'll take it!" The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos. Her blonde boss sees her and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?" She said, "It's a thermos." The boss then says, "What does it do?" She replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" The blonde replies, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
They Really Said It
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was I failed to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the
same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered
other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country."
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are
Things That Irritate
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.....
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.....
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.....
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.....
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.....
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.....
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.....
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.....
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.....
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.....
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.....
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.....
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.....
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio, but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.....
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.....
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.....
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.....
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.....
Think About It #1
Bigamy: One mate too many. Monagamy: Same idea.
Marriage is the main cause for divorce.
Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
Criminal lawyer: Isn't that redundant?
Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.
I'm not afraid of flying... I'm afraid of crashing.
I know it all... I just can't remember it simultaneously.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you.
In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence.
Mosquito: Designed by God to make flies seem nicer.
Never hit a man with glasses-use your fist.
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
Originality is the art of concealing your source.
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again.
Virus check complete. All viruses functioning normally.
You are an example of why some animals eat their young.
I'm not schizophrenic, and neither am I.
I'm so broke, I'm thinking about starting my own government.
You can't teach people to be lazy... either they have it or they don't.
5 out of 4 people have trouble with statistics.
A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.
AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Always remember, you're unique - just like everybody else.
Alzheimer's Advantage # 1 -- new friends everyday.
Alzheimer's Advantage # 2 -- You can help plan your own surprise
Alzheimer's Advantage # 3 -- you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Am I ignorant or apathetic? I don't know and I don't care.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Dyslexia, it can warn without striking.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
I can never find time to procrastinate.
I can't remember the last time I forgot something.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
I'm in a phone booth at the corner of walk and don't walk.
I've told you a million times-stop exaggerating.
Illiterate? Write for a free brochure.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
Jerk: What is found on both ends of fishing lines.
Prunes give you a run for your money.
Psychic convention canceled due to unforeseen problems.
He kept saying that I didn't listen to him, or something like that.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Stick: A boomerang that doesn't work.
Synonym: Word used when you can't spell the one you wanted.
The Apathy Anonymous meeting was canceled due to lack of interest.
The Procrastinators Anonymous meeting has been put off till next week.
Think About It #2
Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846
John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946
Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860
John F. Kennedy was elected president in 1960
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were assassinated by southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
And last but not least. . .
On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son". The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?" "No, son,"explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
A man is walking by an insane asylum to hear all the residents chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye. Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
This Is Jesus
The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered." The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!" Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!" The lady looks up and says, "QUIET! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!
Thoughts on Beer!
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.- Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.- Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.- He was a wise man who invented beer.- Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.- A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.- Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.- If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.- Work is the curse of the drinking class.- When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.- If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.- Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.- The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.- Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.- Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.- Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.- I drink to make other people interesting.- They who drink beer will think beer.- An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.- You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Thoughts To Ponder
All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.- Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?- Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer.- Do unto others............then run.- Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.- I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.- I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts To keep a cat.- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.- If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?- Indecision is the key to flexibility.- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"- Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.- My Reality Check bounced.- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!- Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.- There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.- Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen all at once.- Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
You'll Figure It Out!
Three blonde roommates are having dinner when the first blonde gets up and announces she has a date and has to get ready. She goes upstairs to the bathroom and fills the tub. She puts one foot in and stops, "Am I getting into the tub, or out of the tub? Am I having a bath or have I already finished?" This continues for a while and the other two blondes wonder what is taking their roommate so long to get ready. The second blonde decides to go check on her. As she's heading up the stairs she stops, "Am I going up the stairs, or am I going down the stairs. Am I checking on her or have I finished?" The third blonde realizes what is going on and she thinks, "Thank God I'm not that stupid! Knock on wood," she stops. "Was that the front door, or the back door?"
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!"
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple first and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. Next, the pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. Finally, the pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we couldn't do it," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "Well, my wife was reaching for a can of fruit on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and, well, the rest is history." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
Three engineers are in a car that won't start. The electical engineer says, "Maybe it's the spark plugs?" The mechanical engineer says "Maybe it's the fuel pump?" The software engineer says, "Maybe we should all get out of the car, get back in and try again?"
Three friends decided to visit a prostitute -- a white guy, a black guy, and a Jew. It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch." When the white man comes back out his friends ask, "how much did she charge you?" "$75 dollars," said the first. The blackguy goes in and returns with a fee of $95. The first two were proud of their prowess. The third man goes in and returns, "how much did she charge you?" ask the first two. "20 dollars", replies the Jew. The first two start laughing hysterically. "Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out."
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flower and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down his shot and says "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.". And with that he slams down another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up and snort 'em just for the fun of it.". And with that he slams down another shot. The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask "Where the hell are you going?". The third mouse stops and replies "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."
I Told You, You'd Figure It Out
You Are Now Leaving Three City
What would you get if you counted all the words in Three City,
(between the flashing blue lines)
then counted all the letters in the joke titles in Three City,
then divided the number of words by the number of letters?
If you do this, please email me, and if you have the right
answer I will mention you in the credits
when I complete this page.
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and
says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
Tickle Me Elmo Dolls
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made " Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles..... oh never mind!!!
A man is traveling through the desert when he comes upon an an Indian lying on the ground stark naked with a hard-on sticking straight up in the air. He asks the Indian what he is doing, to which the Indian replies "I`m telling the time." The man tells the Indian that he doesn`t believe it, so the Indian tells him that it is 1:00. The man looks at his watch and is amazed to find that it is exactly 1:00. He travels a bit longer until he comes upon another naked Indian lying on the ground with a hard-on sticking straight up. He asks this Indian what he is doing and he too replies that he is telling the time. He tells the Indian to prove it and the Indian tells him that it is 2:00. The man looks at his watch and once again is amazed that the time is correct. He continues his trek through the desert until he comes across an Indian lying naked in the sand, masturbating. He asks this Indian "and what the hell are you doing?" To which the Indian replied: "I`m winding my watch."
01. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
02. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
03. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
04. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
05. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
06. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
07. I doubt, therefore I might be.
08. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
09. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, & a small bell is tied to each man's willy. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. *Ting-a-ling* "Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Run along now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves. The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: Ting-a-ling* "Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Off you go... take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness." The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits. "Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers." *Ting-a-ling
Tips For The Boss
01. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 02. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
03. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 04. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
05. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess. 06. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. 07. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion. 08. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation. 09. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total of 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there playing around on e-mail.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived. "Never better." John said. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time." "How'd you manage that?" "He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Presidents Ford, Regan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on a ship that hit an iceberg. Ford screamed, "What should we do?" Regan said, "Man the lifeboats." Carter said, "Women and children first." Nixon said, "Screw the women and children." Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"
A man walked into a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" he asked The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert present us with a complete report, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "I'm sorry to bother you, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of this string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get it back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.