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School Excuses
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.
Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent.
She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School:
Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.
She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from PE for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
Please excuse John.
He has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Please excuse Carlos. 
He was absent yesterday because he was playing football.  He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because
she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus
he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school.
He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because
he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being.
It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because
she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.
We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as
she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma,
she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because,
she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.  Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.  I ain't the best either, sore throat and fever.  There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Schubert's Productivity
A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.  Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager.  The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows;
    1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do.  Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
    2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes.  This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut.  If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.
    3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers.  This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver.  If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.
    4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings.  If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.
Scottish Imigrant
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"  A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"  The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"  All the surrounding  fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment, whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!"

Scum Sucking Lawyer Jokes
My lawyer didn’t want to marry his wife for her money.  But there was no other way to get it! 
Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
A: Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don't get as attached to them.  One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings. 
"A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs." 
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic. 
When asked "What is a contingent fee?"  a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing.  If I do win it, you get nothing." 
"Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage." 
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die. 
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? 
A: Another lawyer.

01. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 
02. Can fat people go skinny-dipping? 
03. Can you be a closet claustrophobic? 
04. Why is the word abbreviation so long? 
05. Is it possible to be totally partial? 
06. What's another word for thesaurus? 
07. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? 
08. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? 
09. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? 
10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 
11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? 
12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 
14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? 
15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? 
17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? 
18. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? 
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 
21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 
22. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow?  Only to be troubled and insecure? 
23. Is there another word for synonym? 
24. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? 25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? 26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? 
27. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 
28. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 
29. Why do they report power outages on TV?

Selling Drugs
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness.  The defense attorney asked... "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"  "No sir." answered the man.  "Did you ever get any from his wife?"  "No sir."  "Did you ever get any from his daughters?"  "Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here,   right?"

Sensitive Guy
Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A: A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.
Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.
Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.
Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.
Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A: After 20 years, the job STILL sucks
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q: What is Rodeo Sex?
A: Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly  ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, "This  is the way your sister likes it too."  You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
Q: What is 68?
A: You do me and I owe you one.
Q: What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A: About three inches.
Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your  wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
A: 8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants?!
Q: Why do married men like blowjobs so much?
A: 15 minutes of silence.
Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A: A slut goes to bed with everyone and a bitch goes to bed with everyone but you.

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.  Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club.  Let's you and me stop  in."  "But we's privates," protests Jasper.  "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.  "Now, Jasper, I'se gonna sit down and have me a drink."  "But we's privates," says Jasper.  "You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes.  "We's sergeants now."  So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.  "Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."  Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means.  If it's okay, give me the okay sign."  So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.  Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.  "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"  "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates."  He points to his stripes.  "But we's sergeants now."

One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen, Seventeen!!" Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that.  The first man responded, "It's a blast.  You have to try it.  Jump as high as you can and scream.  'Seventeen!!"  as loud as humanly possible.  You get such a rush, try it."  Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and says timidly, "seventeen."  "No no, you're doing it wrong," yell louder."  So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than normal, and finally says, "You know, I am getting a little bit of a rush! SEVENTEEN!!!" he yells.  The man jumps higher and higher, and suddenly, the first man jerks the manhole cover off, causing him to fall down into the manhole.  The first man replaces the cover, and, once again, began jumping and screaming, "Eighteen, Eighteen."

Sex Study
A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex?  It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T":  Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday and Any Day ending in "Y"

Sexual Harassment
A woman comes home from work very upset.  Her husband asks her, "what;s wrong honey, you look so upset?"  She responds," I'm going to sue my boss for sexual harassment!"  Her husband tells her that is a very serious charge and wants to know what exactly happened.  The woman replies, "My boss told me that my hair smells funny."  The husband says that doesn't sound so serious to him.  And the woman screams back at him, "My boss is a MIDGET!!!!!!!!!"

Sexual Sofa
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was  greeted by a much younger salesman.  "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.  "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."  "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.  "Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted.  "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room.

She Said - She Meant
The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says something.
You want = You want.
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. 
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. 
We need to talk = I need to complain. 
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to. 
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! 
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. 
You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. 
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. 
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! 
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. 
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. 
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. 
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. 
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] 
Yes  = No.
No  = No.
Maybe  = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry. 
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I'm yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

Sheer Lingerie
A man goes to Fredricks of Hollywood.  He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find for Easter night.  The woman behind the counter brings out one for him to look at.  "This is $200," she says.  "I want one more sheer," says he. "This one is $350."  "I want it even more sheer than that."  "This one is the most sheer that we have.  It's $500."  "I'll take it!"  The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her.  He says, "Please put this on and come downstairs to model it for me."  His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "this thing is so see through, that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not."  So his wife comes down wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.  "So, how do you like it?" she says.  He says, "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing.

Ship To Ship
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. 
Americans - "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision."
Canadians - "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision."
Americans - "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.  I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians - "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Canadians - "This is a lighthouse.  Your call."

Shivering Skunk
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold.  What should I do?"  He says , "Put it between your legs."  She says, "What about the smell?"  He says, "Hold its nose."

Short Jokes
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
   A. No one to talk to during orgasm. 
Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
   A. He was half nuts!!!
Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
   A. Collecting her thoughts
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
   A. Very satisfying.
Q. Why don't chickens wear underwear?
   A. Because their peckers are on their faces.
Q. Whats worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
   A. Being fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. Whats worse than lobsters on your piano?
   A. Crabs on your organ.
Q. Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
   A. She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for the third time.
Q. How do you make a hormone?
   A. Don't pay her.
Q. Whats the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
   A. About 4 inches.
Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
   A. When he eats his first Brownie.
Q. What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
   A. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!
Q. Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
   A. So they don't whistle on the way down.
Q. What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
   A. They're both filled with stiffs - except one's coming and one's going.
Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
   A. Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
   A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes
Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
   A. Two lips on your organ
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
   A. When you open her legs the lights go on
Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?
   A. Because he got his dick stuck in the chicken?
Q. Which of the following doesn't belong?
       (a) meat
       (b) eggs
       (c) wife
       (d) blowjob.
   A. (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
   A. A Rottweiler
Q. Why did the condom fly across the room?
   A. Because it got pissed off.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
   A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. What kind of bees give milk?
   A. Boo bees.
Q. What is the first symptom of aids?
   A. A heavy pounding in the rectum.
Q. What has three teeth and sixty feet?
   A. The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
Q. What is the new gay website address?
   A. c : enter   (see colon enter).
Q. What do a Christmas tree and  priest have in common?
   A. The balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
   A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery 
   A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....
the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. What is the mating call of a blonde?
   A. "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Q. What's hard and straight going in, soft and sticky coming out?
   A. Chewing gum.
Q. What's six inches long that women love?
   A. Folding money.
Q. What is the definition of wicker box?
   A. It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
   A. A bingo machine.
Q. What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
   A. A spreader of old wives' tails...
Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
   A. They have shaky hands!
Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
   A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
   A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q. What is Rodeo Sex?
   A. Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, "This is the way your sister likes it too."  You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.
Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
   A. It changes their blood type.
Q. What was the first obscenity ever heard on TV?
   A. "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
Q. Do you know why it's called sex?
   A. Because it's easier to spell than... "Uhhhh.. ooohh.. Ahhhh.. AIIEEEE!!!"
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
   A. Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
Q. But do you know what 6.9 is?
   A. A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q. What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
   A. A tea bag.
Q. If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
   A. 8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
   A. You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

Short Skirts
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Sick Husband
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.  After the check up, the doctor took the wife aside & said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress & it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following 4 things....your husband will surely die."  "First; each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast & send him off to work in a good mood."  "Second; at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal & put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."   "Third; for dinner..., fix an especially nice meal; & don't burden him with household chores."  "Fourth; and MOST important for invigorating him & relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week & satisfy his every whim in bed."   On the way home in the car; the husband turned to his wife & asked, "So,  I saw the doctor talking to you & he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"  "You're going to die," she replied.

Silver Walls
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a Mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver "walls" that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father ?"  The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I must admit I have never seen anything like this in my life.  I  don't know what it is."  While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving "walls" and pressed a button.  The "walls" opened and the lady rolled between them and into the "small room".  The "walls" closed and the boy and his father watched the tiny circles of light with numbers in them above the "wall" light up.  They continued to watch, as the circles of light began to light up in the reverse direction. The "walls" opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old blonde lady stepped out. The father sighed, and said, "Son, go get your Mother."

Sir Galahad
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table.  So he went to Merlin for someadvice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.  A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.  "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"  "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.  "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."  After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately upon his return he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.  "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight!  Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.  What is it in my power to grant you?  Name it and it is yours!"  Sir Galahad said, Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm.

Skin Graft
This young married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face    was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.  However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.  After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!  One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."  "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Slip Of The Tongue
There were two guys talking about slips-of-the-lips and one said he had a terrible experience the other day. It seems he was in the airport at the ticket counter trying to purchase some tickets to Pittsburgh. The ticket person was a very pretty, well endowed young lady and when he saw her is all that came out of his mouth was, "I'd like to purchase a picket to titsburg".  Of course he was all embarased and appologized profusely.   The other fellow said he had the same experience just the other day with his wife and familly at the dinner table. He was going to ask his wife to pass the mashed potatoes, but instead he said, "You ugly bitch, you've ruined my life!"

Smart Dog
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on.   A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the do. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.  The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck.   The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."   The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

Smarter Sex
This may be one clear indication of who is the smarter sex.............
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.   After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in  peace the rest of our days."   The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!   The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."   Then she hands the bottle to the man.  The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman.  The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.  The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"  The woman replies, "No, I think I will just wait for the police...

A family had just sat down to enjoy their annual Christmas Lunch with turkey and all the trimmings, when there was a pronounced knock on the front door.  The father of the house rose and went impatiently to the door and quickly opened it. To his surprise there was no-one there and so he looked around to see what had made the noise. As he was about to shut the door again, he noticed on the doorstep a strangely alert looking snail.  The snail cleared its throat and said in a clear, but squeaky voice "  Excuse me, but are you about to enjoy a wonderful Christmas meal?" The man was stunned and replied, "Yes, but what's it to you?" Whereupon the snail replied, "My family and I are starving so I was wondering if you could spare us just a little!"  The man was utterly gobsmacked and shouted angrily, "You cheeky little snail!" and promptly kicked the snail right  over his own hedge and into his neighbour's garden. He sat down again with his family and they finished their meal and not another thought was given to the incident.  The weeks went by and Easter was soon upon them and once more they were to be found sat around the table. They were about to enjoy a feast of a meal when there was again a pronounced knock on the door.  The father arose, strode to the door and threw it open only to find no-one there. Once more as he was about to shut the door, he noticed that this strangely alert looking snail was on the doorstep again.  The snail fixed him with a sad look in his eye and said with the utmost hurt in his voice - "What did you do that for?"

Snatch Eating Frogs
This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food.  She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs.  She reads the sign on the box...and it says..."Snatch Eating Frogs $20.00 each. (comes with instructions)"  She looks at it for a minute...looks around to see if anyone's watching her...and she whispers to the man behind the counter..."ILL TAKE ONE.  He packages up a frog.  The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home.  She gets home...takes out the instructions and reads them carefully doing exactly what it says to do. 
   1. Take a shower.  Put on some nice smelling perfume.
   2. Put on a very sexy Teddy.
   3. Crawl into bed...spread your legs and put the frog down "THERE"
To her surprise, nothing happens.  So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog...So, she showers again...and trys another perfume.  She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...NOTHING.  She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point.  She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked.  At the bottom of the paper it says...If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.  So, she does.  The man behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over to check out the problem".  A few minutes later he knocks on the door.  He enters and says, "You'll have to show me exactly what you did".  She does. She showers, puts on the perfume and the Teddy, gets into bed...and puts the frog between her legs.  NOTHING HAPPENS.  She says, "see, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."  The man looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says,  "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.  This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such a disappointment.  My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.  l don't think that's possible.  Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow lovely snow!  8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20.    The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.  I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.   Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go anywhere.    Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.   Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right.  I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.  More shoveling. Took all day.  Damned snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.   I think they're lying.  Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.  Might have another shipment in March.  I think they're lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done 
and bill me.  I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't  melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to urinate. By the time I got undressed, urinated and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest 
of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!!  Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?  She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6".  Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.  Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the dam snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas.  20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.    Snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.  I hate the snow!  Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she's an idiot.   If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in.  Why the hell did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea.  She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50.  Still snowed in.  She is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.  That's the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in.  The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars.  The wife went home to her mother.  9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house.  No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Social Security
A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits.  Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age.  When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify."  The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.  Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife.  She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants.  You would have qualified for disability too!" 

Southerner Never Said
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
"Duct tape won't fix that"
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
Come to think of it I'll have a Heiniken's
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?

Speeder's Excuse
A man is driving home late one afternoon, and he is driving above the speed limit.   He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rearview mirror.       He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.    The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as  his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the hell," and gives up.  He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I will let you go!"  The man thinks for a moment and says...     "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser  in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to  give her back." 

Sports Fishing
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"   "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"  Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.  About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"  "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "Wow", said the tourist. The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

Square Eggs
A farmer discovers one day that one of his hens is laying square eggs.  Deciding to exploit this phenomenon, he calls the USDA which is very interested and takes the hen in return for very generaous compensation.  But,  once installed in theUSDA, the hen returns to laying oval eggs.  Summoned to investigate, the farmer comes to see the chicken and asks what the problem is. The chicken responds: "You think I'm going to keep on busting my butt now that I'm a government employee ?"

State Police
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.  He thought to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!", so he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.  As he approached the car, he noticed that a beautiful young blonde girl was behind the wheel, and that the passengers (he guesses they were her parents and grandparents) were wide eyed and white as ghosts !! The driver, obviously confused, said to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing EXACTLY the speed limit !!  What seems to be the problem ?"  "Miss," the officer replied, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving SLOWER than the speed limit can ALSO be very dangerous to others."  "Slower than the speed limit ?  No sir", she said.  "I was doing the speed limit EXACTLY....  Twenty-Two miles an hour !! "  The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the Route number, not the speed limit.  A bit embarassed, the blonde grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.  "But before I let you go, Miss, I have to ask...   Is everyone in this car ok?  These people seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single word this whole time," the officer asks.  "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Route 119."

Stephen Wright Type One-Liners
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? 
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... 
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! 
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. 
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm 
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding 
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese 
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. 
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. 
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. 
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? 
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met 
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol 
I intend to live forever - so far, so good 
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy 
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. 
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked 
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. 
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! 
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? 
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week 
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. 
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. 
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. 
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! 
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States 
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of 
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. 
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have 
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. 
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. 
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? 

Stiff Neck
A grandson walked up to the door of his granfathers house only to see him sitting in the rocking chair with a tee shirt on. He was nude from the waist down.  He said "Grandpa did you know you don't have any pants on?"  The grandfather replyed "Yes, yesterday I sat out here with out my tee shirt on and got a stiff neck.  Your grandmother told me to come sit out here today without my pants."

Stosh had been out of work for close to two years. Needless to say, he was getting pretty desperate for money. He decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handyman.  Well, the first house he came to, a man answered the door and told Stosh, "Yeah, I have a job for ya.  How would you like to paint the porch?  "Sure, that sounds great!" said Stosh.  "Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" said the man.  "Is fifty bucks all right?" Stosh asked.  "Yeah, that's great. You'll find all the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife, who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does he know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.  "Well he must, he was standing right on it!" her husband replied.  About 15 minutes later, Stosh knocked on the door.  "I'm all finished, "he told the surprised homeowner.  The man was amazed.  "You painted the whole porch?"  "Yeah," Stosh replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"  The man reached into his wallet to pay Stosh. "Oh, by the way," said Stosh as he pocketed the money, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!"

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."  The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.   However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.  "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:  "That's Strange!"

Student Humor
Juel Goldstock, an English teacher at Huntington Park High School, collects student bloopers, otherwise known as Pullet Surprises.  Here are a few of the gems from his collection: 
"I spent the week in Hawai, the hom of pom trees, cocanuts and loo wows..."
"They always were poor but, now, thanks to the Reagan Administration, they're in deep puberty..."
"When you put Roosevelt and Wilson side by side, you can see that they had few differences but their contrasts weren't that similar..."
"In the 1920s, there were lots of new things.  There were new clothes and new cars and new music and new ways to get pregnant..."
"In the eleventh grade, I had a big problem.  My teacher was Mr. Goldstock and he caused my future to disappear..."
"His poetry uses lots of onomatopoeiazadora..."
"Even kings and queens can be sad.  I know for a fact that, sometimes, Queen Elizabeth mops around the castle..."
"I know where babies come from.  Women produce the eggs and man produces the spam..."
"Margaret Sanger was a lady that due to the invention of the car tried to prohibit birth control..."
"In the Middle Ages, the Black Pledge was going around..."
"Oedipus killed his real father, then married his real mother.  That's called incense..."
"King John signed the Carta Blanca..."
"My first year of school was first grade.  I didn't attend kidneygarten..."
"Romeo and Juliet were so in love.  One night they secretly exchanged vowels..."
"Without an education, many people in this world would be dum..."
"He was so stund, he just stud there..."
"Frank Furter was a Supreme Court Justice."
"It's hard to imagine, but someday I'll be a mother.  First, I'll get pregnant; then, I'll spend nine months in hard labor..."
"All life is sacred.  No one would want to be deprived of living against his own will..."
"Cleanliness is next to Godlessness..."
"I wouldn't go to college in Boston because the work is harder in a foreign country..."

Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.  Little Mary got up and said, "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect."  "Great" said the teacher Michael got up and said, "my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife."  Good said the teacher.  Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said:  "My Mommy, she is a substitute."  Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute?"  "No". Said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."

Summer Camp
At summer camp one year, a young camper asks the chaplain if *hard on* was hyphenated.  The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you writing home about."  The young man says, "I'm telling mom and dad about the project we worked so 'hard on'."

The well-proportioned blonde spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on    the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly had time to strip when she heard someone running up the stairs.  She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her butt.  "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager, out of breath from running up the hotel stairs. "We don't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would appreciate it if you would wear a bathing suit as you did yesterday."  "What difference does it make?" the blonde asked.  "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."  "Not exactly," said the embarrassed hotelier.  "You're lying on the dining room skylight." 

Super Bowl
A guy named Bob receives two free tickets to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.   As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible!   Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.   This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"   "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral.

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.  "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."  "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend.  "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"  The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"

Surprise Visit
The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.  Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door.  After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.  "Whattya want?"  "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.  "Yeah!", replied the voice.  "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."