Page 12
Q & A
Q:  What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A:  Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q:  What's the difference between sin and shame?
A:  It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q:  What's the speed limit of sex?
A:  68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q:  What's the ultimate rejection?
A:  When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q:  Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A:  Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q:  Why is air a lot like sex?
A:  Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q:  If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A:  K9P.
Q:  What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A:  "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Q:  What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A:  If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
Q:  What's another name for pickled bread?
A:  Dill-dough
Q:  Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A:  He heard the snowblower coming.

This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu.  After a few minutes, the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy what he'd like.  The guy says, "I'd like a quickie". The waitress flushes and says, That's not funny, sir.  Now, what would you like to order?"  The guy says, "I'd really like a quickie". The waitress slaps him hard and storms off angrily.  Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to the guy, "Um, I think that's pronounced 'quiche'"

Some thoughts of the day:

   Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
   Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
   3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
   Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
   Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
   Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
   For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
   I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
   The beatings will continue until morale improves.
   Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
   There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
   I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
   Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
   A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
   I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
   Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
   If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
   Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
   If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
   Help Wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply.
   Look out for #1.  Don't step in #2 either.
   Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
   Car service:  If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
   Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
   Department of Redundancy Department
   Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
   What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.
   Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
   COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
   Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
   2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
   Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
   My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features.
   C:\WINDOWS        C:\WINDOWS\GO       C:\PC\CRAWL
   C:\DOS     C:\DOS\RUN     RUN\DOS\RUN
   <-------- The information went data way -------->
   Best file compression around:  "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
   The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
   BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
   The name is Baud......, James Baud.
   BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
   Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
   As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
   Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
   Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
   Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
   Does fuzzy logic tickle?


   24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
   Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
   Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
   Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
   Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
   RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
   Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
   All computers wait at the same speed.
   Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...
   ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
   E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
   Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
   "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
   Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
   Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
   I know enough to know I don't know enough

On a bright spring morning, four high-school seniors decided to skip all their morning classes.  They arrived at school after lunch and told the teacher a very long-winded story about the flat tire the car had gotten and all the problems they'd encountered in getting it fixed.  To their immense relief, the teacher did not seem too concerned with the story.  She just smiled and said, "I'd like you to make up a test you missed this morning.  Take seats apart from each other and get out your pens."  When the boys were ready, the teacher said, "Each of you answer the following question:  Which tire was flat?

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.  He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.  Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.  A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.  "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."  The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.   Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 metres away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 metres, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 metres.  The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!  He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can?  What did you spray onto that rabbit?"  The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.  It said: "'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare.  Adds Permanent Wave."

Radio Station
A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning  guys" that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he  quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.  They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"  Reply: "Until my girlfriend dies."

Raining What
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.  He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.  "Is this yours?" he asked.  She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.  On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner.There's plenty; would you like to join me?"  He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.  As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"  The man hesitated then said, "Do you do this with every man you meet?"  "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

Random Female Thoughts
Skinny people piss me off.  Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat."  Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.  But I've never forgotten to eat.  You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.  In that case, you don't deserve to eat.

I'm Catholic.  My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.  She had 14 kids, but she didn't give a damn.

They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our bodies.  Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it on a Tuesday morning when I  genially proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in Vigorous Toning With Resistance?"  Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch, do it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job.

My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news.  The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch"

I read this article.  It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.  Are they kidding?  This is my idea of a perfect day.

I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is.  The secret is that nobody that's 34 inches around or 34 years old can fit into that stuff.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women are really suited to each other.  Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"

Rare Condition
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.  The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.  The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.  A few minutes pass.  The man sneezes again.  He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.  The woman is about to go nuts.  She can't believe that such a rude person exists.  A few more minutes pass.  The man sneezes yet again.  He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off.  The woman has finally had enough.  She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off!  What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"  The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am.  I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."   The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry.  What are you taking for it?"  The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

Real Jerk
Recently, a party was held at the top of Boston's Prudential Center.  In the course of conversation, a man mentioned that it was somewhat surprising that in a city the size and character of Boston, no one had ever leaped off the roof.  "Wouldn't matter if they did," said one man.  "What do you mean, it wouldn't matter?" asked the man who brought it up.  "I'm the architect who designed this building, and it's absolutely suicide proof."  "What do you mean?"  "Simple. Through a careful combination of design and location, I've managed to harness the winds coming in off the Charles River as a safety measure. The winds swirl constantly around this building.  Anyone who leaped off of it would be caught by the winds and brought back to the top."  "I don't believe you."  "I'll show you," the architect replied. The two men found a janitor to let them onto the roof. "Watch," the architect said. He stood on the edge of the roof for a moment, and eventually he toppled backward.  He fell halfway to the ground, then sure enough, his descent was slowed, and he was returned to the top of the building.  "What do you think of that?" said the architect.  "That's incredible! It looks exhilirating! I'll try it!" The man went to the edge, stepped off, and plummeted hundreds of feet to a messy death.  The janitor, who had witnessed all this, approached the architect and said, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you've had a few."

Reasonable Doubt
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this Courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.  Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.  But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.  "But how?" inquired the lawyer.  "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."  The jury foreman replied: "Oh yes, we looked, but your client didn't."

Redhead 1
Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful blonde. First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a blonde?" Second sailor replies that he has.  They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette.  FS:  " Have you ever slept with a brunette?" SS:  " Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions."  They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the other two girls for dead. FS:  " Have you ever slept with a redhead then?" His companion looks at him and replies "Not a wink!"

Redhead 2
A young man marrying a redhead asked his father for some marital advice.  The father said, "Just remind her who wears the pants in your family."  The evening arrived, the new husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She did and said, "I don't fit into these."  "That's right!" he said, "and don't you forget who wears the pants in this family!"  With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He looked at them and said, "I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right - and you won't until your attitude changes!"

Redneck Joke
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?"   The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should  know something.  I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs.  and a redneck.  The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck.  The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck.  Do you still want to tell that joke?"  The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."

Redneck Vasectomy
A redneck and his wife decided 11 kids was enough, so he went to the doctor to see what could be done.  The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would take care of that.  The man asked how the procedure worked.  The doctor told him to get a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can, hold it up to his ear and count to 10.  The man said he'd think about it, and left.  He then decided that plan sounded kind of fishy to him and he'd better get a second opinion.  So he consults another doctor, who tells him the same thing.  Figuring that two doctors giving the same advice, it must be right, he goes home.  He gets a cherry bomb.  He puts it in a beer can.  He holds it up to his
ear and starts to count (on his fingers)...1, 2, 3, 4, 5....oops...ran out of fingers.  He puts the beer can between his legs and continues counting on the fingers on the other hand...

Redneck's Computer
01. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
02. The keyboard is camouflaged.
03. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
04. The password is, "bubba."
05. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
06. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
07. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
08. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
09. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos 
      playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.

One sperm says to the other sperm, "How far is it to the ovary?"  The other sperm says, "Relax. We haven't even passed the tonsils yet."

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.  The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.  Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some *religion*!"  The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.  Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."

Religious Lady
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.  Flying made her very very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights.  One time, she was sitting next to a man.  When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.  After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"  The lady replied, "Of course I do.  It is the Bible."  He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"  She replied, "Oh, Jonah.  Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."  He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"  The lady said, "Well, I don't really know.  I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."  "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.  "Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

Report Cards
What we really mean when we write:
Satisfactory progress: either:   I can't think of a single interesting thing to write about him.  Or:  I don't know this child.
Good Progress:  If you think his work is bad now, you should have seen it a year ago!
Easy-going:  Bone Idle
Lively:  Thoroughly disruptive
Helpful:  A creep
Reliable:  Grasses on his mates
Friendly:  Never shuts up.
Determined:  Completely lacking all scruples.
Imaginative:  Lies and cheats regularly.
Adventurous:  Will probably break his neck before the year is our if we don't do it for him.
Independent-minded:  Thoroughly obstinate
A sensitive child:  He never stops whining.
A born leader:  He runs a protection racket.
A vivid imagination:  Always has an excuse.
Easily distracted:  Hasn't produced a single piece of work all year.
Easily influenced:  The class fall guy.
Expresses himself confidently:  Cheeky little ******.
Expresses himself clearly:  Foul-mouthed.
Has many minor illnesses:  A truant.
Enjoys PE:  A thug.
Good with his hands:  Light-fingered
Works better in a small group:  Daren't take my eyes off him for a second.
Needs praise and encouragement:  Thick as two short planks.
All his work is of a high standard:  He has ambitious middle-class parents.
Keen to do well:  Self-centred and egotistical.
Is easily upset:  Spoilt rotten.
Often appears tired:  either  Solvent abuser Or  Stays up all night watching video nasties.
Works better at practical activities:  Totally illiterate.
Inclined to day-dream:  Never listens to a word I say.
Good sense of humour:  Teases other kids unmercifully.
Reads aloud well:  In love with the sound of his own voice
Often needs guidance:  Frequently sent to the Headmaster.
Chooses his friends carefully:  Member of the national front
Resents authority:  Father is doing time.

Retiree Golfer
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.    Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.  The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."  The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.   "Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.  "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.  "Oh great !  NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

Retirement Bonus
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job, after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.  When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the entire family, who roundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.  At the second house he was presented him with a box of fine cigars.  The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.  At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful  woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and up the stairs to the bedroom.  There, they made the most passionate love he had ever experienced.  When they were finished, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.  When he was almost too full to walk, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.  As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.  "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the purpose of the dollar bill?"  She replied, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him what to give you.  He said, 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar.'  "The breakfast was my idea," she said.

Retirement Home
Bill Clinton was campaigning at a old age retirement home.  He went up to a woman and shook her hand and said "Do you know who I am?"  "No," replied the old woman, "but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you!"

Reunion Time
Two women met for the first time since graduating from High School.  One asked the other, "Have you managed to live a well-planned life?"  "Oh yes!" Said her friend. "First I married a millionaire, then an actor. My third marriage was to a preacher and now I'm married to an undertaker."  "What do all those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?"  "One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and four to go."

A couple were driving in the car and had a very bad accident. The wife was burned severely all over her face, requiring major plastic surgery on her face too. The doctor explained to the couple that it was a difficult surgery and it required the donation of very tender smooth skin. So, the husband volunteered to be a donor, and the doctor explained that because of the delicate location of the surgery, that he would have to do the skin grafting from the tender buttocks of the husband. After the surgery was completed, everyone was impressed by the beauty she possesed. They ranted and raved about her new looks. One day, the wife said, "Honey, I just want to thank you for everything you have done for me." And the husband replied, "No thanks is necessary dear, it is reward enough for me everytime your mother kisses your cheek."

Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN"  Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth" and went to sleep.  Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle in his chest and  saw it was Eve. "What the heck are you doing?" he asked.  "I'm counting your ribs" she responded.

Right Size
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.  When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.  After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.  "The good news is I can cure your headaches.  "The bad news is that it will require castration.  You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.  The pressure creates one hell of a headache.  The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."  Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he has anything to live for.   He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.  When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.  As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.  He could make a new beginning and live a new life.  He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."  He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."  The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .size 44 long."  Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"  "It's my job."  Joe tried on the suit.  It fit perfectly.  As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"  Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ."  The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . 34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck."  Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"  "It's my job."  Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.  As Joe adjusted the collar
in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"  Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ."  The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . 9 and a half. . . wide."  Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"  "It's my job."  Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.  Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"  Without hesitating, Joe said,  "Sure . . . "  The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see . . . 7 5/8."  Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"  "It's my job."  The hat fit perfectly.  Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"  Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . . " The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see . . . size 36."  Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."  The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34 .  It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Ring The Bell
A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.  Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.  Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."  "From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way.  When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked.  When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.  When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night."
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!"  and his wife took off her clothes.  "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.  "Bell 3," and they began to screw.  After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"  "What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks.  "More hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

Rodney Dangerfield (I Think)
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over.  Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too.  If I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked.  I said, hey buddy why are you doing that?  He said, because you came home early.
Its been a rough day.  I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off.  I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.  I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me.  She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry.  We did everything we could , but he pulled through.
My mother had morning sickness ..... after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him .... do you think we'll ever find them?
He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor.  Doctor, every morning when I get up  and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?  He said...I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him ... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said.  Look ... twins!
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.  My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night the
granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party
wearing a see through blouse without a bra, the grandmother told her to go
back up stairs and dress decent, the young woman said no I want to show off
my rosebuds and went out the door.  The next day the grand daughter came
outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing the see through blouse
without a bra, GRANDMOTHER what are you doing?  The older woman replied Well if you can show off your rose buds well than i can show off my hanging baskets.

So this woman and her husband have this really bad fight.  He goes off to work the next day without talking to her but she doesn't care.  She is busy doing her thing around the house.  All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the expensive ones...from   her husband.  She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh SHIT!"  The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady?  You don't like roses?"  She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means???"  He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"  She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air."  He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase???"

Rough Christmas
Santa was very cross.  It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies.  The elves were complaining about not
getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.  The reindeer
had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.  To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.  Santa was furious.  "I can't believe it!  I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!  I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet!  What am I going to do?"  Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.  He says, "Yo, fat man!  Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"  And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

Sanctimonious Signboards
'Warning!  When the rapture comes, the car in front of you will be empty.'
'Can't sleep? Don't count sheep; talk to the Shepherd.'
'When God closes a door, he opens a window.'
'Never drive faster than your guardian angels can fly.'
'Where will you be sitting in eternity; smoking or non-smoking?'
'It's unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.'
'Forbidden fruit causes many jams.'
'Try our Sundays; they're better than MacDonalds.'
'Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons; come hear one!'
'Jesus not only adds life to your years, but years to your life.'
'This Church Welcomes Prayerful Livers'
'Seven Prayerless Days Make One Weak'
'C H - - C H What's Missing? U. R.'
''Soul Agents' for this District'
'Come in Here and Have Your Faith Lifted'
'Ecumenism Means Getting to Know the Opposite Sects'

Sand Smuggling
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.  He's got two large bags over his shoulders.  The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"  "Sand," answered Juan.  The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike."  The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.  He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.  A week later, the same thing happens.  The guard asks, "What have you got?"  "Sand," says Juan.  The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.  He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.  This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.  Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.  "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.  It's driving me crazy.  It's all I think about..... 
I can't sleep.  Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Santa's Present
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.  The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there.  Did Santa bring that  to you?"  The Kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."  The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation  ticket.   The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way,  that's a nice horse you got there.  Did Santa bring that to you?"  Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.

Saudi Arabia
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women.  They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me.  You three men must pay for what you have done today.  You will each be punished, and in a way corresponding to your profession."  The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.  "I'm a cop," says the first man.  "All right, shoot his penis off!", said the sheik.  He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman," said the second man.  All right, burn his penis off!", said the sheik.  Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"