Old Man
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. 
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.  Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.  Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, 
"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"  The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
 

Old Man And The Umbrella
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.  "I've never been better!" he boasted.  "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child!  What do you think about that?"  The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story.  I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.  He never missed a season.  But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."  The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!  He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."  "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.  Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."  The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"  "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."  "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor. 
 

Old Man Young Girl
A 90yr old man marries a 19 yr.old girl. They have a lovely wedding; although his parents couldn't go to the wedding...... They jet off to the Seychelles for the honeymoon, spend the day on the beach,sun bathing,scuba diving,para-gliding.  After partying in the disco till 2 AM; they wander back to their room; she being 19 & VERY eager..bounds up the stairs 3 at a time; runs straight to the bathroom; tearing off her clothes for a quick shower; whilst he is still negotiating the stairs.  By the time he makes it to the bedroom,she is showered,perfumed & dressed in a short black negligee.  "Ahh, my dear" he says; "I won't be long, I just need to go & freshen up".  The old man goes into the bathroom to "get ready" & after a half hour he comes back out wearing ear plugs...nose plugs...& carrying a condom.  "What is that for"? the girl asks.  " There are 2 things I can't stand" replies the man, "the smell of burning rubber; & the sound of a woman screaming." 
 

Older Couple
A couple aged 67, went to the doctor's office.  The doctor asked "What can I do for you?"  The man said "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"   The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them $32.  This happened several weeks in a row.  The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.  Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?".  The old man said "We are not trying to find out anything, she is married and we can't go to her house, I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $80, the Hilton charges $78, we do it here for $32 and I get back $28 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office." 
 

Olympic Champions?
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.  She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."  He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."  So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.  So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.  After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.  She said, "That was incredible!"  He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.  You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."  So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.  He said, "That was incredible!  Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"  "No."  she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
 

On Safari
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the man's wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.  The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.  The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"  "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
 

One Liners
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW. 
A  journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A company is judged by the president it keeps.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. 
A waist is a terrible thing to mind. 
Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner. 
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts and bumper stickers.
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.  A pessimist fears this is true.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any.
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! 
Clones are people two.
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. 
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
Do unto others, then run.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 
Dyslexics have more fnu
Editing is a rewording activity. 
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. 
Entropy isn't what it used to be. 
Eschew obfuscation.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Everyone has a right to be stupid.  Some just abuse the privilege.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion. 
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM! 
First draw the curve, then plot the data.
Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.
Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool! 
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs! 
Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!
Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy. 
I always wanted to be a procrastinator; never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever
I am an escapee from a political correction facility.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape.  Round is a shape.
I am not a perfectionist.  But my parents were.
I believe in youthenasia
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
I don't get even, I get odder.
I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I love deadlines.  Especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by
I plan on living forever.  So far, so good.
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. 
If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.
If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does it stick to the pan?
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If we weren't meant to eat animals then why are they made of meat?
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
It's lonely at the top but you eat better.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jesus saves, passes to Moses; shoots, SCORES! 
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
Life is like a box of chocolates.  It's full of nuts.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! 
Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
My reality check just bounced. 
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. 
Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.
Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people - everyday.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.  They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. 
Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. 
SAVE the WHALES! ... Collect a whole set.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.
The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Time's fun when you're having flies. - Kermit the Frog
Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
We are not human doings, rather, we are human beings.
We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What if there were no hypothetical questions? 
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
 

One Wish Genie
Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel.  While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the two men stumbled across an old lamp.  Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.  To the amazement of the castaways, one *did* come forth!  This particular Genie; however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer!"  Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned to the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.  Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.  The other man looked disgustedly at the one who's wish had been granted.  After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!!
 

Only A Kiss A Yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."  With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old lady standing beside her. "Grandma will pay the bill," she smiled.
 

Only In America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... 
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink 
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
 

Ooooops
"Doc" says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."  "What on earth for?", asks the doctor in amazement.  "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur.  "But have you thought it through properly?", asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"  "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."  "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.  Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same  way.  "Hi there", says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."  "Well", said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like  to be circumcised."Arthur stared at him in horror.
"Shit, THAT'S the word!!!"
 

Overworked
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: 
I'm tired because I'm overworked.  The population of this country is 237 million.  104 million are retired.  That leaves 133 million to do the work.  There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.  Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.  2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.  Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.  At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.  Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.  That leaves just two people to do the work.  You and me.  And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes. 
 

Painting Nuns
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.  After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.  In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.  "Blind man," replies a male voice from the other side of the door.  The two nuns look at each other, shrugged and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.  "Nice Boobs" says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"
 

Panties
Clinton was walking around the White House with a pair of ladies panties on his arm.  Everyone was looking at him and wondering what he was doing now.  After about an hour one guy got brave enough to ask him what he was doing with the pair of ladies panties on his arm and Clinton replied, "It's the patch, I'm trying to quit." 
 

Pants Fit
Did you hear about the man who rushed into his Doctors office and said, "Doctor, Doctor you've got to do something! In just the last month I have grown 5 penis's!  The Doctor said, "How do your pants fit?"   "Like a glove! he replied."
 

Parrot
A family leaving church one day told the pastor of their parrot.  All he ever says is, "Let's neck, Let's neck" they moaned. The pastor told them that he had a parrot with much better manners.  My parrot always says, "Let's pray, Let's pray" he told them. The family decided to take their parrot to visit the pastor's parrot and learn some better manners. The family parrot immediately said, "Let's neck, Let's neck."  In response the pastor's parrot said, "My prayers have been answered, My prayers have been answered!"
 

Pastor In The Bar
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.  One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.  The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.  "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly.  "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"  "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.  When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.  The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.  After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"  The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."  The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far, you might as well finish up."
 

Pearly Gates
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.  St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg?  They just made a movie about it."  The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."  St. Peter let him through the gate.   St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?"  Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500."  "That's right!  You may enter."  St. Peter then turned to the lawyer.  "Name them."
 

Pearly Gates 2
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.  "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.  "I froze to death," responds the second.   "That's awful," said the first man.  "How does it feel to freeze to death?"  "It's very uncomfortable at first", answered the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes.  But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"  "I had a heart attack," the first man explained.  "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.  I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."  The second man shook his head. "That's so ironic," he said.  "What do you mean?" asked the first man.  "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
 

Perfect Golf Shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"  The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."  "Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
 

Perfect Relationship
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.  Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."  "What's wrong with that?"  asks the young man.  Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand.  Every morning before she goes to work, we make love...  At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal.  In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and we have more sex, the best an old man could want.  And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."  He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him.  "I don't understand.  It sounds like you have a perfect relationship.  Why are you crying?"  The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live.
 

Perfect Woman
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman.  After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of course, perfect.  One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car (a Lamborghini) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.  There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their
vehicle (it was a 2+2!).  Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.  Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

*  A Female's Response  *  The perfect woman.  She's the only one that really existed in the first place.  Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

*  A Male's Response  *   So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.  This explains why there was a car accident.
 

Period
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." 
 

Pharmacist
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner  with her parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl announces  to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make  love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never  had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some  condoms.  The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.  He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.  That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.  "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my  parents, come on in!"  The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner  table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to  say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still  deep in prayer, with his head down.  10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."  The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea  your father was a pharmacist."
 

Phone Call
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.  The Rabbi notices an unusually  fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.  "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.  "It's my direct line to the Lord!"  The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord.  The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.  After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great!  But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."  The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.  He checks the counter on the phone and says:  "Allright!  The charges were 100,000 Lire."  The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.  A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit.  In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.  The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.  The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.  After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.  The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!"  The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!"  The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
 

Picabo Street
And Picabo Street has announced that all her winnings from Olympics-related endorsements will be sent to the hospital in her home town as a gift.  The hospital has also announced the new wing of the hospital will be named in her honor.  It will be referred to as the "Picabo I.C.U."
 

Pierre The Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.  It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.  Marie leans over to Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.  "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.  "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"  She smiles and they start kissing.  When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."   Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of  Chardonnay and starts  pouring it all over her chest.   "Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot!  When I have white meat, I  like to have white wine!"  They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.   Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"  Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.  He strikes a match and lights it on fire.  Marie  shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, she throws her  arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!  When I go down, I go down in flames!"
 

Pig Breeding
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... 
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.  The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.  The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.  The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.  The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.  So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed.  Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs.  Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.  He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.  Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.  One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drive them out to the woods.  He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.  The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs.  He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.  "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
 

Pinocchio
One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do.  Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend.  So he asked her, What's the matter, baby?"  Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably  the best guy I've ever met-- but every time we make love, you give me splinters."  This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went  to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto.  When Pinocchio arrived, he could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter.  As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution.  Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend.  Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.  Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.  A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio.  When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls".   To which Pinocchio replied, "GIRLS?  WHO NEED GIRLS???" 
 

Pissed Off Genie
Man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself.  After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.  She says normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1".  He thinks a minute and says "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed".  She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton.  He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.
 

Pitfalls Of Marketing
01.  The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?"        prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
02.  Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
03.  Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
04.  Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
05.  When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.  Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read.
06.  Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. 
07.  An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
08.   Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
09.  The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"
 

Plain English Women

Yes 
= No
No 
= Yes
Maybe 
= No
I'm sorry 
= You'll be sorry
We need 
= I want
It's your decision
= The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want 
= You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk 
= I need to complain.
Sure go ahead 
= I don't want you to.
I'm not upset 
= Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly 
= You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight 
= Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights 
= I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient 
= I want a new house.
I want new curtains 
= and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there 
= NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise 
= I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? 
= I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? 
= I did something you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute 
= Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? 
= Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate 
= Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? 
= [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? 
= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! 
= Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.
The same old thing 
= Nothing
Nothing 
= Everything
Everything 
= My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really 
= It's just that you're such an asshole.
 

Plain English Men

I'm hungry 
= I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy 
= I'm sleepy.
I'm tired 
= I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? 
= I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? 
= I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? 
= I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? 
= I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! 
= Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. 
= I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? 
= I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
What's wrong? 
= What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? 
= I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored. 
= Do you want to have sex?
I love you. 
= Let's have sex now.
I love you, too. 
= Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. 
= I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. 
= $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk. 
= I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? 
= I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping)  I like that one better. 
= Pick any freakin'dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. 
= I am gay.
 

Plan
In the beginning was The Plan. 
And then came the Assumptions. 
And the Assumptions were without form. 
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. 
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, 
     "This is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, 
     "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, 
     "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that 
     none  may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, 
     "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
     "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, 
     "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, 
     "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the 
     company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how shit happens.
 

Playing Cards
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents' room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"  The dad answered, "Playing cards."  Little Johnny asked, "Who's your Partner?"  The dad answered, "Your mom."  A little later, the dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally). As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing.  He called to his son, "What are you doing?"  Little Johnny answered, "Playing cards."  The dad asked, "Really? Who's your partner?"  Little Johnny answered... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"
 

Poking In Church
A man who went to Church with his wife fell always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".  The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath.  and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon.  The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".
 

Polish #1
It seem that this Polish girl received a phone call, and after a couple of minutes on the phone, she began crying uncontrolably.  Her husband asked her what ever could make her cry that way.  She informed him that she just learned that her mother had passed away.  Well, sometime later after the girl had calmed down somewhat, the phone rang again, and again after a couple of minutes on the phone, she began crying uncontrolably.  Her husband asked her what made her cry this time, and she informed him that she just learned that her sisters mother had passed away also.
 

Polish Air Disaster
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.  Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
 

Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct? 
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. 
And labour conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. 
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. 
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer. 
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! 
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. 
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. 
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." 
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose 
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation. 
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, 
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms. 
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion. 
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. 
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. 
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. 
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific. 
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. 
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. 
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. 
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. 
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. 
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next. 
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today. 
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. 
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right. 
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion; 
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you. 
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
 

Politically Incorrect
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
A: White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....".  Black fairy tales starts, 
     "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe  this shit....."
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day        in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness? 
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to         fuck off!
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.......
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.
Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
 

Ponder This
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED-UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
I must always remember that I'm unique, just like everyone else.
I think everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us don't have film.
How come you never hear about "gruntled" employees?
How much faith does it take to be an atheist?
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what exactly is a fog horn made out of?
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.  I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
 

Ponderings
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "s" in it?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I have decided that Nostalgia is the VCR of our minds.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use.  Perhaps toothpicks?
I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I was thinking, women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman.  "Where is the self-help section?"  She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it!  There are plenty more ribs where you came from:"
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popluar, why is it still #2?
If the black box flight data recorder is never damaged in a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybottons?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company:"
 

Poor Tipper
One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch.  A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip.  When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.  "Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked.  "You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows you are a very tidy person.  The first penny tells me you are frugal, and the second tells me that you are a bachelor."  "That's true," he agreed.  "But, what does the third penny tell you?"  "The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too."
 

Popular
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.!!!!
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She's the one who can eat the last donut!
 

Port or Sherry
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means.  To me it's the nectar of the gods.  Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.  When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy.  It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow.  The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.  "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
 

Potatoe Farmer
An aging man lived alone in Ireland.  His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.  The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply,  "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I  buried the GUNS!!!!!"  At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed  up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.  Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.  His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
 

Pregnant Daughter
The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant,  but couldn't say who was responsible.  "All right !" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room,  and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer."  Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs.  "Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now."  "I should hope so !" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the 
father."  "Chill Mom." the girl said.  "I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team.
 

Puzzle
Particularly Puzzling Potentially Paradoxical Prose

These are the names of well-known Christmas songs, rewritten in PC (pretty convoluted).  If you like puzzles, try to decipher them.    If not, just get a chuckle from matching up the translations!

Example: Heavenly beings at extreme altitudes my associates and I perceved auditory stumulus emanating from.  Translation: "Angels we have heard on high"

   1. Sir Lancelot with severe laryngitis
   2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres
   3. Vehicular homicide was committed on Dad's mom by a 
       precipitous darling
   4. Wanted in late December: top forward incisors
   5. The apartment of two psychiatrists
   6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist
   7. I exclaim, a member of the round table with missing areas
   8. Decorate the entryways
   9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element
  10. Oh small Israel urban center
  11. Far off in a hay bin
  12. Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole ...that's us!
  13. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the yuletide season
  14. Leave and broadcast from an elevation
  15. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your yuletide season
  16. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming tunefully
  17. As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their charges in the dark hours
  18. I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction
  19. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe
  20. Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my auditory sense organ?
  21. A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels which vibrate and   bring forth a ringing sound when struck
  22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster
  23. May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans
  24. Rose-colored uncouth dolf is aware of the nature of precipitation, darling.  (Tricky)
 

 Translations:
   1. Silent Night
   2. Jingle Bell Rock
   3. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
   4. All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth
   5. Nutcracker Suite
   6. The Little Drummer Boy
   7. Oh, Holy Night
   8. Deck the Halls
   9. Silver Bells
  10. O Little Town of Bethlehem
  11. Away in a Manger
  12. We Three Kings
  13. 12 Days of Christmas
  14. Go Tell It On the Mountain
  15. We Wish You A Merry Christmas
  16. Hark the Herald Angels Sing
  17. As Shepherds Watched Theit Flocks By Night
  18. I Saw 3 Ships on Christmas Day
  19. Joy to the World
  20. Do You Hear What I Hear
  21. The Bells of Christmas Are Ringing
  22. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
  23. God Rest You Merry Gentlemen
  24. Rudolph (rude) the Red Nosed Reindeer (knows rain, dear)