A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts." The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!" The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher, me, me!" Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says "No teacher, you're thinking of a blowjob.
There are these two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel flutters down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues have been given flesh and they step down from their pedestals. The angel says, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick-you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again." The man looks at the woman, and they both flush, and giggle, and run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling comes from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied. The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes-why not go back and do it again?" The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman says, "Why not? But let's reverse it this time-you hold the pigeon, and I'll shit on it."
Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, '"What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"
Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am e.s.t.
God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!
Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!
Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
God, help me to finish everything I sta
God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.
God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?
Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.
Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.
One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter. Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it. "Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic. On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. "Honey," he says, "we've been married for 25 years and I think it's
time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?" The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex. "I don't care," he tells her. "After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this goddamn trunk!" So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and $34,000 dollars in cash. "Jeez!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?" "Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk." The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, "All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three times of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?" "Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."
N Y Ranchers
A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y." "But, where are all your cattle?" "None have survived the branding."
An man from the Midwest was driving through Georgia during the Christmas season. In a small town in the middle of the State, the man stopped to admire a "Nativity Scene" that had obviously been created with great skill and talent. One small part of this display troubled the man, however. The three Wise Men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with any explanation, the man left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, the fellow asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She became visibly upset, and started yelling, " You silly Yankees NEVER read the Bible !! " The man assured her that they did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. The lady grabbed a Bible from under the counter, ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Pushing it right under the man's nose, she said, " See, it says right here, ' The three Wise Men came from afar.' "
A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another man riding on a camel. As the rider approaches, the crawling man whispers through his parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... water..." "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." "Necktie?" whispers the man. "I need water!" "They're only four dollars apiece." "I need water." "Okay, okay, two for seven dollars." "Please! I need water!" the man exclaims. "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, as he heads off into the distance. By now the man has lost all track of time, crawling through the desert seemingly for days. Finally, nearly dead, with clothes tattered and skin peeling under the relentless sun, he comes upon a restaurant. Summoning his last bit of strength he staggers to the door and confronts the head waiter. "Water... can I get... water," the dying man pleads. "I'm sorry, sir. Neckties required."
Never Take Candy From A Stranger
An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car Pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says, "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"
An old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a goddamn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a goddamn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." The old man demands to see the manager and the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no fuckin' problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the shittin' lottery and I want to open a goddamn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like hell. I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. At one time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check why the hand was always clenched, and... guess what he found????? A birth control pill!
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. The Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to the his dad. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language..." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer. Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of m sic that she wanted and the car would find it. She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word country", and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait
song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock n roll"; the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed "Asshole!" ..the radio cut over to Bill Clinton's press conference.
Unbeknown to most of the congregation, the new minister enjoyed an occasional bottle of wine. One church member, aware of this, presented the clergyman with a bottle of Bordeaux. But the gift had a string attached. The minister would have to say thank you from the pulpit. At the conclusion of the next service, the minister made the announcements, then said, "And I want to thank my friend for giving the fine fruit, and for the spirit in which it was given."
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem". She says "Tell me". He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh thats no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy". He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says "son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him, pussy and bitch. Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy". "OK dad, so whats a bitch?" Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
Driving through Texas, a New Yorker collided with a truck carrying a horse. A few months later he tried to collect damages for his injuries. "How can you no claim to have all these injuries?" asked the insurance company's lawyer. "According to the police report at the time you said you were not hurt." "Look," replied the New Yorker. "I was lying on the road in a lot of pain, and I heard someone say the horse had a broken leg. The next thing I know this Texas Ranger pulls out his gun and shoots the horse. Then he turns to me and asks, 'Are you okay?'"
A newlywed sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife quite badly so he decided to write her a letter. "My darling," he wrote "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be so tempted?" So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" "First let's see you play that harmonica!"
Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor for an examination. He discovers that she has crabs. It comes as little surprise, but he wonders, how do you tactfully tell the First Lady she has crabs? After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him in his office, where he tells her that she has a very unusual condition: Nixon's Disease. "WHAT?" she says. "Nixon's Disease," he repeats. "Level with me doc. What does it mean?" "Well, Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office!"
Steve was in a terrible accident at work. Oddly, however, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. But, because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears. Steve got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, Do you notice anything different about me? and she replied: Well, you have no ears. Steve again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: Do you notice anything different about me? And to his surprise, the young man answered "Yes. You wear contact lenses. ' Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freakin' ears!"
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts." The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!" They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!" Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?” The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.” “I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.” The general said, “Drive on!” The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.” The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!” The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this.
Do I shoot you or the the driver?”
Noah And Today's Ark
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man." "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!" Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system." "My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board." "Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls." "Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind." "Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being." "Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!" "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire." "The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years." With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord, "the government already has."
Not Even Blonde
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
A Old Man, vacationing in Las Vegas, decides to visit a brothel, as it has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the madam, he picks out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs. After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and hollers out, "How am I doing, honey?" She replies, "About three nots." He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?" She says, "You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting your money back!"
After a two year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
This family had recently moved to a nudist beach. One day the little girl is out playing on the beach. She comes running into the house.... "Mommy, mommy. Why do some ladies on the beach have big lumps on their chest and why do some have small ones?" "Well, dear. The ladies with big ones are the rich ladies and the ones with small ones are the poorer ladies." So the girl goes back out to the beach to play. A little bit later she comes running back inside. "Mommy, mommy. Why do some of the guys have small little things and why do some have big ones?" "Well, the guys with small ones are smart and the guys with big ones are dumb." So the girl goes back out to the beach to play again. And later she comes running back into the house...."Hey mommy. Daddy is staring at a rich lady and he keeps getting dumber and dumber!"
Nun On Bus
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving, the bus driver said, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble. The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans. Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on. The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?" "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!"
"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action." "Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, " If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't the least bit interested."
Odd Signs From England
01. IN A LAUNDROMAT:
Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
02. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:
Bargain Basement Upstairs
03. IN AN OFFICE:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
04. IN ANOTHER OFFICE:
After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
05. ON A CHURCH DOOR:
This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
06. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
07. QUICKSAND WARNING:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
08. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW:
Anyone leaving their garmentshere for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
09. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:
Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK:
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR:
We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
After the annual office party, John woke up with a headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife was preparing breakfast. "Gina," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she declared, her voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face!" "He's a jerk, piss on him." "You did," Gina informed him. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!," said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday!
A man comes out of a shopping mall to find that the side of his parked car is rammed in. Seeing a note under the windshield, he read it. On the paper is written: As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number, and insurance company. But I'm not.
A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is blocking up five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for miles in all directions. After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway, stopping and talking to people through their car windows. When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey! What's causing all this delay?" The guy on the freeways says, "Well, you're not going to believe this, but OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up there, and he's totally distraught, and he says there's no way he can ever pay the $35 million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns, and so he's threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if people don't give enough money sufficient to cover the cost of the judgment. So I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam." "How much have you gotten so far." "About ten gallons."
Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Swen and Lars, to come and try to I.D. the body. Swen went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Swen said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over, and Swen looked at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Olaf." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body, and Lars looked at him and said "Yaa, he's burnt real bad; roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olaf." The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well, Olaf had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say "Here comes Olaf with them two assholes!"
Old Fighter Pilot
A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war. "Vell," said the old guy, "vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky." "For the benefit of our viewers," interrupted the reporter, "we should explain that the term 'fokker' refers to a specific type of German fighter plane." "Vell .ya," said the old Scandianvian pilot, "but those fokkers were flying Messerschmitt's."