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A woman gets on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." Mahatma Gandhi Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. Mammogram Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam, and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your own home: Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. Exercise #2: Locate a large bench-type vise. While standing in the most uncomfortable up-right position you can manage, insert your most sensitive breast between the squeeze plates. Hold your breath. Tighten down the handle on the vise until you are about to cry. Make three more turns on the handle, for good measure. Exercise #3: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough. Exercise #4: Visit your garage at three in the morning when the temperature of the floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay uncomfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of your family car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other side. Congratulations! Now you are properly prepared for your next mammogram. Man & Woman A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies. Man's Sex Life It seems that when God was making the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified! Only 20 years of normal sex life? But the Lord was very adamant - that was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly " Can I have the other ten?" the monkey graciously agreed. Then the Lord called the lion and gave him 20 years; and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again man spoke up "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could. Then came the donkey and he was given 20 years - but, like the others, ten was sufficient. And again man pleaded; "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said, but of course he could Which explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life - ten years of monkeying around - ten years of lion about it - and ten years of making an ass of himself. Marriage A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put These on." She did, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it! I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right! And that's the way it's gonna be until your stinking attitude changes!" Marriage Humor The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Maytag Man A woman was trying to do her laundry one day, when her washing machine suddenly broke down. Distraught, she called her husband at the office and said, "Honey, can you please come home and fix the washing machine? It doesn't work." The angry husband replied, "What do I look like? The freakin' Maytag man?" and hung up. The woman decided to go to the laundromat to complete her washing. She got in her car, but when she turned the key in the ignition, it wouldn't start. She again called her husband at work and said, "Honey, I tried to go to the laundromat with the car, but it wouldn't start. Can you come home and take a look at it?" Again, the angry husband snaps, "What do I look like? Freakin' Mr. Goodwrench?" and hung up. She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag man arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knows anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little and goes outside and takes a look under the hood. Ten minutes later, he returned and said, "Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel filter was a little dirty." The lady said, "Wow, you're a pretty handy guy! How much will this all cost?" The Maytag man says, "I'll tell ya what, lady. You can bake me a cake or have sex with me - your choice." Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady explained to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car. The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She replied that he wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex. The husband then said, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake for him?" The lady said, "What do I look like? Freakin' Betty Crocker?" Med School University of Edinburgh medical school, second-term human physiology course. Prof. Kenneth Ivors, Instructor: "Good morning, class. Before we begin today's lecture, I should like to discover how well ye have been tracking the previous material. Miss MacMaster, will ye stand?" She stands. "Can ye tell me, which organ of the body achieves 10 times its normal size when it is excited?" She stammers, reddens, says nothing. "You may sit down, Miss MacMaster. Mr. Campbell, will ye answer that question?" "It is the pupil of the eye, sir." "Very good. Now, Miss MacMaster, I have three things to say to ye: One, ye have not done your homework. Two, ye have a dirty mind. And three, you're in for a big disappointment!" Memorable Church Signs *For God so loved the world that He didn't send a committee. *Had a tough week? We're open Sundays. *If you have troubles, come in and tell us about them. *If you have none, come in and tell us how you do it. *Heaven knows when you were here last. *Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush. *Keep of the grass. This means thou. *All new sermon! No re-runs! *Come early.....if you want a back seat. *Come in and let us prepare you for your finals. Memorandum To: All Employees From: Special High Intensity Training In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention. All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed. If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.) program. If you have further questions, please address them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program. Thank you, Boss In General SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.) P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily become the DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.) Memory Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps on the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?" Memory Course An elderly couple, getting on in years and losing their memory, decide to take a memory course. They take the course and the husband is thrilled -- he feels it has changed his life. He and his wife meet their friend Bill on the street and the husband says to him, "Bill, you just have to take this incredible memory course my wife and I just attended, it's fantastic! You won't believe the improvement." Bill says, "Wow, great, what's the name of the course?" The husband turns to his wife and asks, "What's the name of that flower? You know the one with the long stem and the thorns?" "You mean a rose?" his wife replies. "Yeah, that's it!" (pause) "Rose, what was the name of that memory course?" Men Are Like Men are like department stores....their clothes should always be half off. Men are like vacations....they never seem to be long enough. Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never have enough memory. Men are like coolers...load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Men are like chocolate bars...sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. Men are like coffee....the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. Men are like horoscopes....they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like plungers....they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. Men are like cement....after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. Men are like laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their own business? A: No mind - No business Men and parking spots are alike.... The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped Q: Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends Men From Women's View What do ceramic tile and men have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life! How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Nobody knows. It has never happened. Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids... Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brains. Why did the man cross the road? Because his penis told him to. What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man. My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen. I told him, "Just give them your underwear." What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up. Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions. Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men? They discovered they were throwing away the best part. What's the dumbest part of a man's body? His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives right around the corner from an asshole. Why don't women have any brains? Because they don't have any testicles to put them in. What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? Castrated. Why don't men get hemorrhoids? Because they are all perfect assholes. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. What is the best way to get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes. How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. Why is it good that we now have female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions. Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years? Because even then, men couldn't stop to ask directions. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack. What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory? Proofread. What does a man say when he looks in a box of Cheerios? "Oh look, donut seeds!" Why are men like paper cups? They're dispensable. Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no rouble finding a bar. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them. What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone? Divorced What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced. How do you keep a man from wanting sex? You marry him. What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? An insurance company. Men's Room A man walks into a public men's room, His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?" The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants. Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked. Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants. "Oh, I can take care of that." the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now." Mental Test Three men were being tested at a mental institution. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday." Mexico Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him. He falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what is a pinata?" Michael Jackson's Baby Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14." Midget A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him,climbs it,and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them." Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump!" Mike & Maureen On Mars The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." Minor Surgery A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me." "I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches." Misc Stuff A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorders. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying, they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person. Misunderstood Doctor The wife comes home to her husband after having been to the doctor. "How did you get on at the doctors then ?" asks the husband sympatheticaly. "Not very well at all" replies the wife, "The doctor said I had a nice pussy "He said what.... Are you sure he said that ?" "Yes, he said I had a nice pussy" replies the wife indignantly. So the husband has steam coming out his ears and says he's going to straighten the doctor out in the morning. The next morning the husband's at the front door of the doctors office.......he barges in and demands to know why he had been speaking so personaly to his wife. "You said my wife has a nice pussy and I'm going to belt you for it !" "I did not say that to your wife" the doctor says , "That would be against a doctors moral and ethical practice." "Look, If my wife says you said it, then you said it. Now I'm going to take you outside and beat the shit out of you for saying that." "Wait, wait" cries the doc, "Give me a minute and I'll go and check my medical records" Two minutes later the doctor returns, "NO I didn't say your wife had a NICE PUSSY, I said she had ACUTE ANGINA !" Mo One Liners 01. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 02. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 03. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 04. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 05. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 06. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 07. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how you can get along without it. 08. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 09. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought "where the heck is the ceiling?" 12. My reality check bounced. 13. On the keyboard of life, I always keep one finger on the escape key. 14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. Moan Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!" "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!" So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No, not yet." Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when." He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when." Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!" "OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!" Money From God A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they decided to send it to The President. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted $95." Moped & Ferrari For $500,000, a hot young movie producer buys himself a brand-new 1999 Ferrari GTO. It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin. At the first light, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari. They go for about a half-million bucks." The old guy is shocked: "That's a lot of moolah. Why do they cost so much?" The cool young dude says proudly, "Because these babies can do 320 miles an hour!" The gent on the Moped asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," responds the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window, and peers around. Leaning back on his Moped, the old guy says, "That's a pretty nice car!" Just then, the red light turns green, so the young producer decides to floor it. Within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear-view mirror, which seems to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it might be, and whoooooosh! Something whips by him, at an incredible velocity. The young guy is nonplussed: "What on earth could be faster than my car?!" Then, ahead of him, he sees the same dot, coming back. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction. It almost looks like the old man on the Moped. "Couldn't be," mumbles the producer to himself. "How could a Moped outrun my Ferrari?!" Again, the blasted dot appears in his mirror. Whoooooosh! Ka-boooom! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young guy jumps out, and it IS the old fellow! Of course, the Moped and its driver are hurtin' bad, so the Hollywood producer kneels down by him and says, "You're seriously injured - is there anything I can do for you?" The old guy moans, "Yeah... unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror." Moral Of The Story The rural teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to go home and get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. The teacher said, "And what's the moral of the story?" "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now Lucy what is your story?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One time we had a dozen eggs that a hen was hatching, but when the eggs hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, Ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. My Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit by a SAM missile. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets; then he killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke; and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "My goodness," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your Daddy give you from that horrible story?" Johnny smiled brightly and replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking." More Church Bulletins 01. "Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children." 02. "Ushers will eat late comers." 03. "The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done." 04. "The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning." 05. "The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession." 06. "Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door." 07. "Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 08. "The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment." 09. "The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience." 10. "The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'" 11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'." 12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice." 13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance." 14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community." 15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy." 16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday." 17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir." 18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better." 19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow." 20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church." 21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones." 22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir." More Water Abdul An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well." Mother's Dictionary AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too. DEFENSE: what you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside. DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins. DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own. PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: able to whine in words WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out. Motor Home I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich. Mourning Husband A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied..."My wife's first husband." Mr. Gorsky When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. A few years ago (on July 5, 1995 while answering questions following a speech, in Tampa Bay FL,) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex? You want oral sex. You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" |