I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there.
If a bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out?
I once found a throw rug in a catch basin.
When will all the rhetorical questions end?
We have mileage, yardage and footage. Why don't we have inchage? Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?
A tree: first you chop it down, then you chop it up.
Once, at school, I received a dressing down for not dressing up.
"No comment" is a comment.
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
What is the plural of "a hell of a guy"? "Hells of guys"?
Why do we say "redheaded" but "brown-haired"?
Environmentalists changed the word "jungle" to "rain forest," because no one would give them money to save a jungle.
Same with swamps and wetlands.
I'm not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.
I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.
I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot to do in a place like that.
What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?
How can "crash course" and "collision course" have two different meanings?
Two men are in hospital beds after plastic surgery on their faces. "I was in a car crash. What happened to you?", says one man. "Honeymoon," says the other. "What sort of honeymoon leaves you in that state?" "A golf one. My new bride and I were out on the fairways, when she hit her ball the wrong way, right into a neighboring cow field. We spent 15 minutes wandering among the cows, prodding the cowpaddys with our nine-irons, looking in the grass, trying to find her ball. I eventually lifted up the tail of one old cow, and saw the ball lodged in its bottom." He pauses. "But how does that explain your injury?" "Bad choice of words. I pointed to the cow's butt and said: That looks like yours."
The new husband was in such a hurry on the first night of the honeymoon when he said to his bride, "Darling, you know love is blind." His wife replied, "You are right dear, but unfortunately the neighbor's aren't. Please close the curtains." On the first day of honeymoon, the new husband tells his wife, "Honey, I love you more than anything else in the world. I can fetch the moon for you. I can walk thru fire and water for you." The wife replied," Make it fire and fast. I would rather have you hot than wet or cold". The bride was crying and balling out. "What's the matter?" asked her friend. She replied, " I didn't know until after the wedding ceremony that he had been married before and had five kids." "That must have come as a shock to you", commented her friend. Bride replied, "Yes, and my four children didn't like it either" The bride it turned out was very religious. As soon as she got married, she put a sign above their bed, "I need thee every day." So the following day, the husband put up his own sign next to hers bed, "Oh Lord, give me strength." A wife delivered a child six months after marriage. The disturbed husband went to the doctor. The doctor said, "Young man, don't worry, This happens sometimes in the case of first, child, but never afterwards." A happy couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon. The couple were getting along wonderfully when the conversation headed towards political and international events. The husband asked, "Honey. What do you think about the Middle East position." His wife replied, "I don't know, dear, Have we already tried it?"
Horse & Chicken
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from Sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Houston's Hobby Airport
During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time." A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
How Did I Get Here?
A little girl was puzzled as to her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" Her mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you." "And did God send you too, Mommy?" "Yes, Dear, He did." "And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" Asked the little girl? Again the answer was "yes." The child shook her head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone is so cranky!"
How To Handle Stress
Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. There now......feeling better?
The trial suffered from a hung jury and day after day passed without a settlement. "Well," said the court officer with resignation, "Is it twelve dinners again tonight?" The foreman replied, "I think you had better bring eleven dinners and a bale of hay."
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table. The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Let me guess, you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Washington State. Why do you ask?"
I Have Learned
That todays' mighty oak is just yesterdays nut that held its ground.
I Make Bets
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square. "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet? "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The presient complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
I'll Play With You
Ten year old Johnny rushed home from school. He invaded the fridge and was scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother entered the kitchen. She said, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Johnny whimpered and said, "There's no one to play with. Trying to placate him, she said, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He said, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she said, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny said, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she went upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggered down the hall and opened the utility closet. He donned his fathers old fishing hat. As he started up the stairs he noticed a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picked it up and slipped it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moved to the bedroom doorway. His mother raised up and said, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny said, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
I'm All Tired Out
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I dont have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' So I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home agian I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more." The doctor thinks for a secound and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly -- from the sky -- a voice boomed.
The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager"
If I Die
A woman asks her husband and says, "if I were to die, would you marry again?" "Yes, "replied the husband. "Would you come back and let her live here in our house?" She tearfully asked. "yes," came his reply again. "Would you make love to her in this bed?" She queried. "Yes," he said. "What about my golf clubs, would you even let her use those?" She said bawling. "Why no, she's left handed," he said.
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!"
In Blonde's Revenge
01. Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
A. It doesn't show the dirt.
02. Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
03. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. They discovered the hair from a buffalo's butt was much more manageable.
04. Why are most brunettes flat-chested?
A. It makes it easier to read their T-shirt.
05. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their mustache.
06. If blondes get fingers run through their hair, what runs through a brunettes' hair?
07. How can you tell the color brunette is evil?
A. You ever see a blonde witch?
08. How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color?
A. By studying what oil spills did to seaweed.
09. Why can't brunettes 'tease' their hair?
A. Because it's not funny.
10. Is it true blondes have more fun?
A. No, they have ALL the fun.
11. How can you tell a brunette is lonely?
A. Check her for a pulse.
12. What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A. A brunette rabbit.
13. Why do brunettes wear training bras?
A. Because it's cheaper than changing their Band-Aids everyday.
14. Why was the first football stadium sketched out on a brunette's chest?
A. Because they needed a level playing field.
15. Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls?
A. Parents felt the dandruff might be contagious.
16. Why do brunettes sleep all night on their stomachs?
A. Because they can.
17. How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair?
A. With a rake.
18. How do you describe a brunette who's phone rings on Saturday night?
19. What is the official color of Poland?
20. How do you drown a brunette fish?
A. Just add water.
21. What do you call brunette twins doing bubble gum commercials? A. Double-dumb.
22. What's so good about brunette midgets? A. They're only half as ugly.
23. Why did God create brunettes? A. Because he screwed up and created the "old maid" category first.
24. What would the photograph of a brunette say if it could talk?
25. What did the brunette say to the US Marine?
A. Yes----350,000 times.
26. Why did the brunette chicken cross the road?
A. Because there were 14,000 roosters on the other side.
27. What kind of costumes do little brunette wear on Halloween?
A. They don't, they just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.
28. Why don't brunettes get breast implants?
A. They already spent their money on thigh implants.
29. What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
A. "Just what part of the word 'yes' didn't you understand?"
30. Why did God create brunettes?
A. So ugly men wouldn't be left out.
31. How can you spot a flock of brunette geese?
A. They're the ones walking south for the winter.
32. Where do you find a brunette bat?
A. Laying dazed on the ground next to the side of a barn.
33. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation.
34. Where do brunettes get their black hair?
A. It's transplanted from their underarms.
35. What does a brunette look for all her life and then just dies when she finds one?
A. A gray hair.
36. What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage
37. How can a brunette get lost in a crowd of three?
A. It's easy... if one-third of the crowd is blonde.
38. Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a boob job?
A. Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.
39. What do many brunettes wear on their face that matches their hair?
In The Army Now
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army. "But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?" "Sure," replied the man. "Well, won't they find out?" The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this wife a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "It won't work," Judi countered. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
I do not suffer from insanity, I happen to enjoy every minute of it!
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do some business. "That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so's you know which one I want him to impregnate." Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town. That afternoon, the "Inseminator" arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. "There's the nail so this is the cow right here." she tells him. "What's the nail for?" the guy asks. Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone was still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... ...and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
Two old Irish men were holding up the bar at the local pub, reminiscing and drinking as they were wont to do, when one became quite melancholy and asked his friend, "Noel, when my time comes and I pass on, can ye do me a favour?" His friend replies, "Liam, you've been my friend for nigh on thirty years... just ask and I'll do it for you. What would you like me to do?" The first one said, "Noel, on me mantelpiece at home is an old, old bottle of fine Irish whiskey. When they bury me, would you be mindin' it if ye poured it over me grave?" And the second one gravely replies, "Liam, you know I'll be honored to do as you ask, but I'm wonderin', would you mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?"
An elderly Irving Schwartz and the widow Esther Cohen were sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The Mr. Schwartz, a widower himself, says to Esther, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget." The Esther considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The Irving says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?" The Esther says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
Is That Jesus
The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and, with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said,"Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also. The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and lowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded, and the Italian said to give Him a glass of chianti, also. The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
Is This A Blonde
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
It's A Condom
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said, "Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus."
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by pussy." ***POOF*** The Arab is turned into a Tampon. The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's got to be a string attached.
The first Jewish President of the United States called his mother in Queens and invited her to come down for Thanksgiving. She said, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..." He replied, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!" His mother said, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle...it's just too much trouble." He replied, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!" To which she said, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much trouble." He replied, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger." She answered, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..." Exasperated, he answered, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!" She responded, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come." The next day, she called her friend Betty: Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?" Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!" Betty: "The doctor?" Sylvia: "No ... the other one."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job" Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple, on question # 5, the American put, "I don't know". You put "Neither do I ".
Top Ten Changes at NASA to Accommodate 76 Year-Old John Glenn's Return to Space Aboard the Shuttle 'Discovery'
10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
09. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
08. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
07. "Early Bird" specials now included on menu.
06. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
05. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
04. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
03. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
02. Space pants now go up to armpits.
01. Left-blinker will be left on for entire mission.
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck." "Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren.
John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Mark, and told him of his adventures. "I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it. As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face." "That's some story there, John, I would have messed my pants." "Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON...???"
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Just Her Size
I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male. Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads. Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be - I sincerely believe this - virtually no military conflicts, and when there was a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side). So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane. When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective - follow me closely here - is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express truck!" The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as "8" or "10." Don't ask me "8" or "10" of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 8! So she will keep trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy. She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars. "Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and--" "Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers "yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8's FIT HER. There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult. The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: "I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a "6" on them." Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called "SIZE 2" in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE 2." I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." The little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
Kentucky Mom to Kentucky Son
Dear Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your daddy read in the paper where most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved. I can't send you the address as the East Kentucky family that lived here took the numbers with them to their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a lousy washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
I only rained twice this week, three days the first time and three days the second.
That coat you wanted us to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too costly to mail with them heavy buttons on the front, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
About your daddy, he has a terrific new job. He now has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass in the cemetery. About your sister, she had a baby this morning and I haven't found out whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an uncle or an aunt.
Your Uncle John fell in a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he was able to fight them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. The driver got out okay, he rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They were riding in the back and couldn't get the tailgate down.
That's about all the good news I have for now.
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was sealed.
Man is the king of his castle, A king is a ruler, A ruler is 12 inches, Still think you're a man?
King Of The Jungle
A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the old sausage. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can. Then, he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it is the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, screwing the "King of the Jungle" in the rear end. The lion is shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases the gorilla through the jungle. Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on some safari clothes and pith helmet, picks up a newspaper, sits down and holds it up to his face, and makes like he is reading it. Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle. "RRRRROOOOOOOAAAARRRR!!!!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?" The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just s-s-s-screwed you in the ass?" he stutters. The lion sits up with a start and says, "Damn! It's in the paper already?"