Get Up And Go To School
Gifts for Mama
Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother. ABRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother." MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible -- Mama just has to name the chapter and verse." Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother. ABRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver, he's a pain in the tuchas. But DAVID, she said, THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS!
Go Fly A Kite
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells. "You need more tail". The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to go fly a kite".
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the local zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape.(no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him", he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Sitting at the bar after a game, Joe said to a club ember, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore." "Why not?" "Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green." "That's possible." "Not when I had the ball in my pocket!"
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro says, "You've got to hold the club like you hold your husband's organ." She takes the club and hits the ball. He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance.
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis. "The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
One fine day in Ireland, a gentleman was out golfing and teed up his ball on the 16th hole. He smashed the golf ball with his driver. Unfortunately, his drive went far into the woods. He walked down the fairway, looking for his ball. After searching for a while, he found a little man unconscious with the golf ball lying next to him. "Great goodness," said the golfer, and proceeded to revive the poor little guy. Upon waking, the little guy said, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man said, "I can't take anything from you. I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly." The man then turned and walked away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thought to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year went by and the same golfer went golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He hit his drive into the very same woods and went off searching for his ball yet again. When he found the ball he saw the same little guy and asked how he was doing. The leprechaun said, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer said, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill!" "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looked at him a little shyly and said, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun was floored and stammered, "Once or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Good luck, Mr. Gorsky
When Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. A few months ago, (July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick it up, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky..."Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Good News Bad News
The son of an Indian chief returned from College after 5 years and said to his dad : " I got some good news, some bad news and some "not too bad" news " The old man says: "well, give me the good news first." Son says: " I got the white man to give all our land back." "Thats great, what's the bad news? Son: "It's infested with blacks." "That is bad, so whats the "not too bad " news? "They taste a lot like buffalo! "
A salesman is lost on the back roads and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?" he asks the farmer. "Well", says the farmer, "that's a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn, and that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn. Saved 'em all." "And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman. "Nope, he pulled through that just fine." says the farmer. "Though a while later, I was back in the woods when a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me fer sure." "Wow! So the bear injured his leg then?" says the salesman. "Nope. He came away without a scratch. Though a few days later, my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I got cut up in the machinery." "Ahh! So his leg got caught by the combine?" asks the salesman. "Noooope. We both walked away from that one." says the farmer. "So how did he get the wooden leg?!?" the salesman asks, exasperated. "Well", the farmer replied, "A pig that good, you can't eat all at once."
Good, Bad, & Worse
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a crossdresser
Worse: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: You came home for a quickie
Bad: The postman had the same idea
Worse: You have to wait
This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down, the gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pull his hair, hopped on one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest. His antics were copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage. All of a sudden the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. The man rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing so he, he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded man and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "f--- you". The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better but he accepted it. As he left he became madder and madder. He plotted his revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The gorilla did the same. Then the man picked up his knife and waved it over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next the man whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.
Two gay guys were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it. As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him and takes him into the cage...slams him to the floor and screws him senseless. An ambulance arrives shortly after to take the man to a local hospital trauma center. A few days later in the hospital, the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he is hurt... "Hurt?!? Hurt?!? You bet I'm hurt! He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."
A young couple gets married and while at the reception the nervous groom, not quite knowing what is expected of him, goes to his grandfather and asks, "Grandfather, what am I supposed to do tonight when we are alone and together and how am I supposed to do it?" The grandfather replies, "Son, all you do is take the thing you play with and put it in the hole where she pees. It's that simple." The groom thanks his grandfather. A few days later the grandfather sees the groom and asks, "Well, how did it go?" The groom replied, "I did just like you told me, I took my bowling ball and threw it in the toilet.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
There's a man walking home alone at night, and there is a "BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP ..." behind him. He walks faster and looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging it's way down the middle of the street towards him..."BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP..." The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces after him faster... faster... BUMP -BUMP- BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door ... locks it...and the coffin crashes through his door and the lid to the coffin begins to lift open, bumping towards him. The man runs to the bathroom and locks himself, heart pounding, and CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door, coming slowly towards him, the man screaming...the man is reaches for something, anything...and he finds a box of cough drops and throws them at the coffin...and the coffin stops.
Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were always wise, what should I do?" Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, "Abolish The I.R.S. And Start Over." Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to Americas author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?" Again a voice from above answers, "Welfare, It's Not Working, Abolish It, Start Over." After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?" After a substantial pause Abe responds, "Take The Day Off And Go To The Theater."
Gunslingers And Gentlemen
It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?" Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you." The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?" The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve. Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?" Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson. Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you." "What's that?" the boy asked. "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard." Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that. Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours
and . . ."
Guy In A Bar
There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I get to my office late. My boss is irate and he fires me. When I leave the building and go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. Then when I'm thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS?" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do"? "We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes, pizza, and cookies." "Is that going to help me?" says the man. "No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door."
Have A Roll
Jack went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem, in that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told Jack that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if Jack were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in Jack's penis. Jack thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants. His girl friend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?" Jack, with his eyes watering, replied: "Well, maybe, but I'm not sure that I can fit another roll up my butt!"
He Said - He Meant
The Woman's Guide to What a Man is Really Saying......
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you. What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
I like that one better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right....right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
A guy died and found himself in Hell. However, hell was nothing like he had expected. It was a huge bar, swarming with beautiful blondes. And behind the main bar were dozens of liquor bottles, with labels of the finest liquors known to man. So the guy moseys up to the bar, intending to partake of the booze and the women. "I'll have a shot of your finest bourbon," he told the bartender. "See all those bottles?" asked the bartender. "They all have holes in the bottom." "That's too bad," said the guy. "But at least there's still the women." "Yep," replied the barkeep, "but they don't.
Henny Youngman's Humor (43 of these)
2 Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen's to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single."
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000." They called back "How about $20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is coming back!"
My wife has a black belt in shopping.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Take my wife, please!
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned to aim it.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie? "I certainly do," screamed the wife, "the undertaker."
Here Lies Phyliis
A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyliis, wife of Goldberg, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice." Suddenly, Goldberg bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!" Through his tears, Goldberg croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"
A couple of drinking buddies, who were airplane mechanics, were in the hanger at Mascot in Sydney. It was fogged in and they had nothing to do. One said to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that'll kinda give you a buzz." So, Bill and Bob drank jet fuel, get smashed and had a great time. The following morning, Bill woke up and figured his head would probably start pounding as soon as he stood up. But it didn't. He felt good. In fact, he felt great - no hangover! Bill's phone rang, it was Bob. Bob asked, "Hey, how do you feel?" "I feel great!" replied Bill. "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover?" "No. That jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover. We ought to do this more often!" "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "What?" "Did you fart yet?" "No..." "Well, don't, because I'm in Melbourne!"
Highway Patrolmen's Ball
A woman was pulled over for speeding by a highway patrol officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "No, Highway Patrolman don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you Jody." He said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf." "Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker." "I see." he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."