An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship: "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. "Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded. The old guy thought for a moment, then asked: "Was that one word or two?"
Elvis & The Pope
The Pope arrived at the Las Vegas airport and was met by a limo driver. The limo driver says to the Pope, "Welcome the Vegas, Elvis." The Pope says, "I'm not Elvis, I'm the Pope." The limo driver says, "Sorry, but with the white outfit, I thought you were Elvis." They arrive at the hotel and the doorman says, "Welcome to our hotel Elvis." Again the Pope says, "I'm not Elvis, I'm the Pope." The door man says, "Oops, sorry, I thought you were Elvis." As the Pope arrives at the front counter the desk clerk says, "Welcome Elvis and your suite is ready." The Pope again says, "I'm not Elvis, I'm the Pope," The clerk says, "I'm sorry, but with the white outfit and all, I thougt you were Elvis." Finally, on the way up in the elevater the bell hop whispers to the Pope, "Everything is all set up Elvis. There's a special room adjoining your suite that absolutely no one knows about and it's packed with nude women and booze." The Pope says, "Ah thank you.....thank you very much!!!"
As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled Streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doc, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
The man had parked his car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As He walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."
English and American
John Cleese was on American TV recently and was asked for the difference between English and American people. In reply he said that there were three...
1. We speak English and you don't.
2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.
3. When you meet the head of state in England, you only have to go down on one knee.
Equal Opportunity Employer
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Just a few stories (10) from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction.
- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
- A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
- The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint. - A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?"
- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow. The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field. The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly. "Yes, Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied. "Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars."
The European Commission have just announced an agreement where by: English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil sevants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
01. It's okay... I'm still billing the client.
02. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
03. This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
04. I was working smarter-not harder.
05. Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.
06. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
07. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
08. I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.
09. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made us attend.
10. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
11. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.
12. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
13. The coffee machine is broke.
14. Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.
15. The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
Bruce was applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Mister," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, ... as a matter if fact, Yes !" Bruce replied. "I've been divorced four times,"
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a face lift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the face lift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give the screw a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear." "That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that!!" Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "Why? What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts, and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're soon going to have a beard!"
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you please say a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for their services?" Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
The Top 16 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
16 "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15 "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
14 "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13 "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
12 "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11 "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
10 "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
09 "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
08 "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
07 "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
06 "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
05 "Got milk?"
04 "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
03 "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
02 "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."
An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father." The old man thought for a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a moment and said, "Sir, I am the Father for many." The old man quickly answered, "I, too, am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters, and many more grandchildren. But I wear my collar like everyone else. Why do you wear it that way?" The priest, who was beginning to get exasperated, thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people!" The old man from the far-away country was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
Female Bashing (25 of these)
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why were shopping carts invented? To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told!
What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!
Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
And last but not least...
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing... somebody already told her twice!
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UF. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two-hours long, and standard blue exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except for the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, the last student came up to the front of the lecture hall where the professor was sitting behind the desk, casually reading a book with his feet up on a stool. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late," the professor said, turning the page in his book. The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "Nooooo, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. "Do you KNOW who I AM?" the student asked again, poking his own chest with his finger as he leaned intimidatingly over the table. "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority. The student quickly lifted the stack of completed exams and stuffed his in the middle. "Good!" he said, and walked out of the room.
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
One man was explaining to another why he fired his secretary: Two weeks ago, it was my 43rd birthday. I wasn't feeling too hot when I got up that morning, you know, another year older, and everything. Anyway, I went down to breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me, but she didn't even say "Good Morning ." I thought, "Well, that's great, certainly the children will remember." The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. By the time I got to the office, I was feeling very low and despondent. As I walked in my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning!...Happy Birthday!" Then I felt a little better that someone remembered. About noon she knocked at the door and said,"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday. Let's go out to lunch, just you and me." So I said, "That's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. But we didn't go to the place we usually went to. Instead we went to a little place in the country, which was more private. We had two drinks, and lunch was tremendous. I enjoyed it a lot. On the way back to the office, she said,"You know, it's such a beautiful day. Do we have to go back to the office?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Good, my apartment isn't too far from here. Let's go over and I'll fix you another drink." So we went to her apartment and had another drink. She said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and change into something more comfortable." I said,"OK" as I didn't mind a bit. She went into the bedroom, and in about five minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a large birthday cake, followed by my wife and children, and they were all singing "Happy Birthday." And there I sat with nothing on but my socks!
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says, "Hey, little boy, what are you doing?" The little boys says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. Thanks, mister," says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little boys says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..." Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..." Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..." and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?" "What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?" "It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!."
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed steroids for her rare sickness. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the steroids you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of steroids. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my testicles!"
Three animals of the forest were arguing as to which of them was most feared. The hawk said it was he, since he could fly, could attack from above, and his prey had no chance. The lion said it was he, because of his great strength. And the skunk said it was he, since he needed neither flight not might to frighten off any creature. As the debate continued, a bear came along and settled the argument by swallowing them all--hawk, lion, and stinker.
Four By Twos
A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Once, there were four men all bragging about how smart their respective dogs were. There was an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist, and a Government Worker. Each man was eager to show off what his dog could do. So, the Engineer said to his dog: "T-square, do your stuff." The dog responded by trotting over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen. He then proceeded to draw a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The Accountant sad that his could do better. He said to his dog: "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." With that, the dog disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He then proceeded to divide them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Again, everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The Chemist said that his dog could do better. He turned to his pet and said: "Measure, do your stuff." The dog got up and went over to the refrigerator and took out a quart of milk, He then proceeded to the cupboard where he took out a 10 ounce glass and proceeded to pour 8 ounces of milk into it without spilling a drop. Again, everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said "What can your dog do ?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said: "Coffee Break, do your thing." Immediately, Coffee Break jumped to his feet, went over and ate the cookies, drank all the the milk, took a dump on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workers Compensation, then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Four Guys In A Bar
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left..... First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday." Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, He's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday." Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday." Fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stock for his birthday."
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?
French, Italian & English
A Frenchman, an Italian and an Englishman were discussing love-making. "Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "This morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man." When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once." he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."
My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him. "Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!" Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him. "Hey mister," said the frog. "A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you'll just kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful." Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on. The frog called out to him, "Hey! Didn't you hear me I said if you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful." Dad said, "I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."
A man takes the day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky Frog". The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. What do you think frog, the man asks. "Ribbit three wood" the frog reply's. The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000,black 6". Now , this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful. The frog replies,"Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton".
From The Mouth's Of Babes
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy,8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy,5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike,10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long to learn." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a longtime." (Christine,9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV."
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER: "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."(Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6) "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food," (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
"You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...that's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as he had a drink. She slowly spread her legs and said, "Honey would you like some of this?" "Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"