He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female. "No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a damn queer?"
As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other. "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
Confucius Say (28 of these)
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change"
"To prevent hangover stay drunk!"
"Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ." "Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Man trapped in whore house get jerked around."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Man with hand in pocket is having a ball." "
Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in hand" "He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."
"People who make Confucius joke speak bad English."
The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee !
After a two year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
On a hot summer's day a country boy is pulling a wagon load of manure down a country two lane road in rural Alabama. The local sheriff (Bubba) pulls him over and starts to write him a citation. As the sheriff is standing next to the old boy's pickup some of the flies accompanying the manure wagon start to buzz him. He swats at the flies and cusses them "damn flies." The country boy speaks up and says "Them's circle flies...we calls 'em that cause back home on the farm they's always circling the horses ass." "Boy, are you calling me a horse's ass?" says the angered Bubba. The country boy replied "No sir, but you can't fool them flies."
Country Lad Salesman
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up. The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?". "One" said the young salesman. "Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars "said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well" said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook. "No" answered the salesman " He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "You're weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. Then the second man came along and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind him, filling in the old one. The men worked right past the gas station and on down the road. "Hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the county," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything." "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel. "Normally there's three of us, me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in a tree and Mike here puts the dirt back in. Just because ole Rodney called in sick dont mean that Mike and me can't work.
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief. "I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and wispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a blonde, but very naked, lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief. "I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy wispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back this time with a naked brunette lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish?" "I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and pulls him close so they are nose to nose, "Listen up, I said POSSE! Go get a posse!"
Cruise Ship Questions
10. Do these steps go up or down?
09. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
08. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
07. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
06. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
05. Does the ship make its own electricity?
04. Is it salt water in the toilets?
03. What elevation are we at?
02. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked...If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
01. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs."
Cuss At It
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher replied, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man with them, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know". The lady asked again "Which is a boy and which is a girl?". The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know". The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you?". The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
01. ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
02. BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where some women go to dye.
03. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
04. CHICKENS: Animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead 05. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
06. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
07. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
08. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 09. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
10. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
11. MYTH: A female moth.
12. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes flies look good after all.
13. RAISIN: Celery with a sunburn.
14. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
15. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
16. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
17. TOMORROW: One of today's greatest labor saving devices.
18. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
19. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Whine, whine for the Dallas COWplops: The richest man in the world knew he was going to die and he wanted to set up his three children in business. He asked his oldest son what he wanted to do. The boy said he liked cars, so dad bought him General Motors. Then the dad asked his daughter what she wanted to do. She said she liked talking on the phone, so dad bought her AT&T. Now the youngest was only six years old, but dad knew he would understand. The boy said he wanted a mickey mouse outfit, so dad bought him the Dallas Cowboys
Damn Checking Account
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg you pardon, sir, I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem?" "There's no damn problem," the man says, "I won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager, " and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now!"
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that. . . electricians could be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed? Wouldn't you expect laundry workers to decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted? Likewise, bed makers might be debunked, baseball players debased, bulldozer operators degraded, organ donors delivered, software engineers detested, and underwear manufacturers debriefed. And won't all composers one day decompose? On a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will someday be devoted.
Mr. Franklin was unable to keep from running over a cat as it bolted out of a bush and darted in front of his car. Picking up the poor limp animal, he carried it to the house and rang the bell. A white-haired old woman answered the door. "I'm sorry," said Mr. Franklin, "but I'm afraid I've run over your cat. I'd like to replace it." "Certainly," the woman replied. "How are you at catching mice?"
A man wakes up one morning and when he walks into the living room sees his dog lying on the floor paws up and not moving. He shakes the dog and when there is no response decides that there is a serious problem with the dog. He takes the dog to the vet. The vet puts the dog on the operating trolley and looks at it for a while. He then decides that more tests are necessary. He goes out for a minute and comes backs in carrying a cat. He puts the cat down next to the dog. The cat walks around and sniffs the dog for a bit and pokes the dog a couple of times, then jumps down and walks away. The vet tells the dog owner, "Well, I'm afraid that your dog is dead". He then presents a bill for $310 to the man. "$310", the man exclaims. "WHAT!?!" "That much just to tell me my dog is dead?" The vet replies, "Yes, that's $10 for the consultation, and $300 for the cat scan".
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday Evening that reads: "Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boytoy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
Death & Taxes
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 400 pound, stupid, incredibly-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, and much uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied "I have no idea, and I'm definately not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damned income taxes"!!!!
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
Democrat Or Republican
A salesman was travelling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman: "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do", replied the salesman. "You a Democrat or Republican?", asked the old man. "A Republican", replied the salesman. "Get screwed!", yelled the old man as he sped off. The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer: "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off. The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!", shouted the salesman. "Hop in!", replied the blonde. Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?", she asks. "I can't take it!", he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody!"
Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park. They are holding hands, but the lady is nervously twisting her hands. Mary: "Patrick. I have something to tell you." Patrick: "Well, what's on your mind? You know you can tell me everything." Mary: "It's so terrible." Patrick: "You know you can trust me. What is it?" Mary: "Well, it was a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money in sight.." Patrick: "So, what is it?" Mary: "Oh. We were so desperate. For some time I had to turn ... prostitute!" Patrick: "WHAT!" Mary: "We needed the money so bad!" Patrick: "There is no good reason for this! Endangering your very soul! How could you? YOU! Mary, this is more than I can stand!" Mary: "Not you, Pat! No! I thought you'd understand. I thought you could still love me, even though I had been a whore." Patrick: "Oh!... You... Well, that's OK. For a moment I thought you said 'Protestant'!"
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up,looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or another...
Did GOD Make You?
Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea. "The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake".
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Do What He Says
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
A little fella walks into a bar. There is a pile of dog crap just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink. A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of crap, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink. The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that." The big guy punched him in the mouth.
A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said. "Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter." "Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here." "All right, how much do you wanna bet?" "Ten dollars." "You're on." So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side. "I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours." "Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master. "But he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off... "
Dog Named *SeX*
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him *rover* or *spot* I called mine *SeX*. Now *SeX* has been very embarrassing to me, when I went to the City Hall to renew the dog license for *SeX*, I told the clerk i'd like a license for *SeX*. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "she is a dog!!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "you don't understand, I've had *SeX* since I was 9 years old." He replied, "you must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married I told the minister that I would like to have *SeX* at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "but *SeX* has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around *SeX*." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having *SeX* at the wedding. The next day we were married at the justice of peace, my family is now barred from the church. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon I took the dog with me when we checked into the motel I told the clerk that i wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for *SeX*. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "you don't understand *SeX* keeps me awake at night". The clerk said, "me too!" One day I entered *SeX* in a contest, but before the competition began *SeX* ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around I told him that I was going to have *SeX* in the contest, he said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand!!" I said, "I hoped to have *SeX* on TV!!", he called me a show off. When my wife and I seperated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog I said, "your honor, I had *SeX* before I was married but *SeX* left me after I was married. "The judge said, "me too!!" Last night *SeX* ran off again, I spent hours looking all over for her, a cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning, I said, "i'm looking for sex." My case comes up next thursday. Well now, I have been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist, she asked me, "what seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "*SeX* has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever, I can't live any longer, i'm so lonely". And the doctor said, "look mister, you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."
DON"T Tell The Cop
15. No, YOU assume the position.
14. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
13. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
12. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you drunk I am. I swear to dog.
11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
10. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
09. But officer, I've got 2 licenses from 2 different states! Pick 1
08. I know I was weaving, I was trying to hit all the little green men!
07. On the way to the station let's get a six pack and some cig's!
06. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
05. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
04. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
03. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
02. So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone means.
01. What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?
A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day... when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent. She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street. The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what they were for, he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you won. 'Don't Despair' paid 5-1."
Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent where a nun was seated on a round bench beneath a tree quietly reading a book. He said to her: "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the MPs are chasing me!" She lifted up her skirt and told him to hide underneath. The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied: "No" After they left she told the young boy to come out all was OK . He said :"You have a nice set of legs for a nun!" She replied:" If you reach up a little farther you'll find a set of balls... I'm not going to be drafted either !
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he sees a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his key on five different cars before he finds his and opens the door. The officer then observes the drunk sit in the front seat of his car again fumbling around with the keys for several minutes. By now, everyone else has left the bar and driven off. Eventually, the man starts the engine and begins to pull away. The waiting police officer pounces. He pulls the car over, approaches the driver's window, reads the man his rights and administers the breathalyzer test. The results of the test show an alcohol reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer confronts the man and demands to know how he can be so obviously drunk and still show a normal reading. The police officer demands, "You don't seem to have been drinking. What's going on? What are you, the designated driver?" The driver replies with a grin, "Well, sir, tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A drunk passed out one night in the cemetery. When he woke up the next morning, he looked up and saw on a head stone, "HERE LIES JOHN SMITH, A LAWYER, AND AN HONEST MAN." The drunk said, "My God, they've buried two men in the same grave!"
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get theman to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either.
A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death, so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?" The father replies, "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "Why? With 2000 pounds of dynamite and a fuse that short, and you have to ask!"
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two metres tall!"
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the thrid bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twent-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight." "Eighty-eight," she purred. "Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say ''Eighty-eight." "Eighhty...eighhhhtttt." "Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight." "One, two, three, four, five..."