"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you,but I'm blind and couldn't see you there." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?" So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose ... you must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with joy.] The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?" The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls -- you must be a lawyer."
Business Signs (30 of them)
At a Car Dealership: "Best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
Sign on the side of the truck that cleans out septic systems: "We are number 1 in the number 2 business".
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh horse manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the ground. The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
A mother with her little son take a cab to the zoo. Once inside the cab, the little boy sees a dog outside and asks his mother with his reedy voice: Mommy, if you were a dog and daddy was a dog too, what would I be now? You'd be a puppy, dear. Later on, the boy sees a cat: Mommy, if you were a cat and daddy was a cat too, what would I be now? You'd be a kitten, dear. The taxi driver hates the boy's high-pitch voice so decides to ask something to make him stop talking. So he asks: So little boy, if your mother was a hooker and your father was a pimp, what would you be now? Uhm... a taxi driver, I guess, sir!
California Highway Patrol
A woman gets pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball." He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely... is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!" "Yes there is!" the man replied, chucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible." "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said. The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here?"
There was a horrible automobile crash and the driver of the car lay on the side of the road dying. A passerby said to him kindly, "why don't you say a prayer?" "I don't know any," said the stricken man. "Haven't you had any contact with religion?" "As a boy we used to live next to a Catholic Church!" "That's it!" said the well-wisher. "Just repeat what you heard in the church!" "Okay," said the injured man. "Under the B-15! Under the I-22!"
Cats Are Better Than Men
01. A cat always hits the litter box.
02. Better chance of training a cat.
03. You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.
04. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.
05. You can declaw your cat...try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
06. It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.
07. A cat knows you're the key to his happiness...a man thinks he is.
Cats, Dogs and Planes
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture - of handcuffs.
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself. The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?"
09. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
08. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK".
07. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again....not again....not again."
06. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
05. Deny the existence of chemicals.
04. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
03. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
02. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about the pour the sulfuric acid.
01. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
Just out of the seminary, Father McLaughlin was assigned to a parish in Chicago. Three weeks after he arrived, Father McLaughlin walked into the church and stopped dead in his tracks. Kneeling at the altar, praying, was Jesus Christ. The young priest rushed into his superior's office. "Father Conlon," he exclaimed. "Come quick! Our Savior is in the church!" The two men rushed back into the church and sure enough, there was Christ at the Altar. "What should we do?" whispered Father McLaughlin. "Look busy!" answered the older priest.
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to ,you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies: "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Children's Letters to God (31 of them)
Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me.
Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries?
Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who)
Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.
Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD.
Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" ...And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
01. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
02. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
03. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
04. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
05. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
06. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
07. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
08. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
09. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
17. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
18. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
19. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
20. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
21. The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
Rev. Warren J. Keating says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones." On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I don't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances ", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA manreplied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of prospective jurors the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could convict someone on circumstantial evidence. The farmer responded, "No way in he## could I do that!!". The attorney asked why he was so adamant in his answer. He replied that he once had a very bad experience with circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to explain. "Well sir", the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking ole' Bessie one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took them off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry. Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat back down and started milking again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor as well. She then proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied both of them to the floor... Well, I thought I had things under control until she whipped her tail around and slapped me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-shirt and boots, my wife walked into the barn!! .....No Sir!! I do not believe in Circumstantial Evidence.
A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room. "What's the matter" he asked "Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news" "What's the bad news?" "India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear." "Oh my God, what could be worse than that?" "Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra"
Clinton was coming off the ladder of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. As he got to the bottom, the Marine saluted him and said "Nice pigs, sir." Clinton replied, "Thanks, but these aren't ordinary pigs. These are Arkansas razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The Marine saluted again and said "Nice trade, sir."
A prominent biologist at the University of Chicago, after years of experimentation, finally discovered a technique by which human beings could be successfully cloned. He tried the new technique on his best and brightest lab assistant and produced a mirror-image copy of the assistant...with one flaw: the clone suffered from Tourette's Syndrome and would routinely spout lewd and vulgar comments. The distraught scientist, frustrated at being unable to display his achievement in polite company, decided to dispose of the clone and try again. The biologist took the clone to the top of the Sears Tower and shoved him off. When the scientist exited from the building, he was promptly arrested and charged with, of course, making an obscene clone fall.
This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." "Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings." "Oh, yeah. Sure," says Bob sheepishly. "Really? How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
Knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on TV called "Cold Turkey". After about a week, I asked her how it was going. "Well, not too bad." she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I've gotten him down to about a pack a night now."
Two guys are sitting at a bar, drinking and talking with the bartender. After an hour or so, the bartender turned to the guy on the left and said, "You're an Ohio State grad, aren't you?" The man was a little surprised. They hadn't been talking about sports or anything that would tip off the bartender. They had been talking about art, foreign affairs, literature, and existentialism...those types of subjects. He replied to the bartender, "Yes, I graduated from Ohio State, but how did you know?" The bartender said, "You are very well-spoken, intelligent, and nowledgeable. You obviously are very well educated so I just assumed that you graduated from Ohio State." Then he turned to the guy on the right. He said, "You graduated from Tennessee, didn't you?" The man was very proud that his education was so prominent. He puffed his chest a little and answered, "Why yes I did. How did you know?" The bartender replied, "I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose." GO BUCKS!
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They had done so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident, the weekend before finals, they decided to go to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. They had a great time -- however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them each in separate rooms, handed each one a test booklet, and told them to begin. They each looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought simultaneously, each in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each one finished the first problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
Company Motivational Posters
01) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
02) It's only unethical if you get caught.
03) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 04) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
05) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
06) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!) 07) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
08) We put the "k" in "kwality"
09) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
10) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat. 12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
16) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
18) Plagiarism saves time.
19) If at first you don't succeed - try management.
20) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
21) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
22) This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years.
23) Never quit until you have another job.
24) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
A man who had previously been a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then spies the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February......"
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes, Father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No, Father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No, Father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?" Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
Mrs. Jones went to confession and in the process of clearing her conscience told the priest that she had had an affair with the grocery delivery boy (assume he is above the age legal consent). The priest told her to go and sin no more, and for her penance to put $20 in the offering basket. A little later Mrs. Antonellie came by for confession and she told the priest that she had had carnal knowledge with the grocery delivery boy. To which the priest replied, "You have been lost, but have returned to Mother Church. Put $20 in the offering basket to atone for your sin. A little later in walks Mrs. Murphy to repeat the same litany regarding the grocery delivery, to which the priest offers the same means of absolution. Toward the end of the day, just as the priest was getting ready to move on to other duties, a young man walks into the confessional and confesses that he is the grocery delivery boy, noting his legion of immorality. The priest having heard all of the above asks the young man: "What do you have to say for yourself?" To which the young man replied: "Either you cut me in on those $20 dollar fees or I take my business to another priest!"