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Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator. Bad Ad The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. TUESDAY: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M." WEDNESDAY: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him." THURSDAY: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit! Bad Day There's this guy at the bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here,... I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!!!" Bad Nails A blonde man is working as a carpenter's apprentice building a house. The boss (balding but blonde) notices the apprentice pick up a nail, study it and throw it into the trash. He picks up another, stares at it and proceeds to hammer it into the wood. This continues in random fashion with nails either used or rejected. Curious, the boss walks over and says: "What's wrong with some of those nails?" "They have the head on the wrond end!" "You idiots! Those are for the other side of the house..." Bar Room A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset." Bar, Man, Monkey A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink. While he's drinking, the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" Barbie A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95 and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00." "Why is the 'Divorced Barbie' $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?!?" the Dad asked surprised. "Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture." Barn Fire Larry's barn burned down, and, Susan, his wife, called the insurance company Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." Agent: "Whoa there just a minute, Susan, it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband." Barracks Door Mr. Jones got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly open. When leaving the room, she said "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark. But later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in he asked, "By the way, Miss Smith, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty, replied "Why no sir. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." Baseball In Heaven Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night." Beautiful Blonde It's after dinner when a man realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back. He's persuaded by the bartender to share a cold one. As he's nursing it a gorgeous blond comes in the door, but he looks the other way. She comes over and sits down. One thing leads to another and she invites him home. Back at her place they screw like rabbits until the next thing he knows it's four o'clock in the morning. Jumping out of bed he shakes the woman awake, asking if she has any baby powder. "In the bathroom cabinet" she says. He dusts his hands, drives home at ninety, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand. "So where the hell have you been?" she screams. "Well, you see honey," he stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and I ended up back at her place making love..." "Wait a minute" snapped his wife, "let me see your hands." Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't lie, you rotten little shit... you've been bowling again!" Because You Know Too Much A woman approached me and commented on the leather jacket I was wearing, saying, "You know, a cow was murdered for that jacket!" I got an insane look in my eyes, crazily looked around, and replied, "I didn't know there were any witnesses!" Beer Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned." Beetle A man was sat at home one night when there was a loud knock at the door. The man answers angrily to find a 6 ft stag beetle standing at the doorstep. "What the heck is this?" he shouts, at which time the beetle launches into a frenzied and vicious attack in a flurry of kicks and punches - then leaves. The man crawls into his house and calls an ambulance, but is naturally not keen to reveal the truth behind his injuries. Finally, one day he tells a doctor, but surprisingly, the doctor believes him and is sympathetic, "I understand," he says, "there is a nasty bug going around..." Bell 4 A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station - bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings, and we're ready to go on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say bell 3, we're going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "bell 1" and his wife took off all her clothers. "Bell 2" and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3" and they began to make love. After 2 minutes, his wife yelled, "Bell 4." "What's bell 4?" asked the husband. "More hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!" Best Chicken Joke Ever A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!" Bicycle A couple of friends thought they'd have a bit of experimental fun and decided to see how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. One of them would ride the bike tied to the bumper of the other guy's Mustang. So the rider tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend: "I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down." With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well. The car driver slowly sped up to well over 60 mph. The guy on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the guy driving the Mustang forgot all about the guy on the bike and began drag racing the Corvette. A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph. He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell to pass them!" Big John A very small, sickly-looking man was hired as a bartender. The saloon owner gave him a word of warning: "Drop everything and run for your life if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town." The man worked several months without any problems. Then one day a cowhand rushed in shouting, "Big John is a'comin'," and knocked the small bartender on the floor in his hurry to get out. Before the bartender had a chance to recover, a giant of a man with a black bushy beard rode into the saloon through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, and using a rattlesnake for a whip. The man tore the doors off their hinges, knocked over tables, and flung the snake into the corner. He then took his massive fist and split the bar in half as he asked for a drink. The bartender nervously pushed a bottle at the man. He bit off the top of the bottle with his teeth and downed the contents in one gulp, and turned to leave. Seeing that he wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked the man if he would like another drink. "I ain't got no time," the man roared. "Big John is a'comin' to town." Big Tits When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits. Biggest Lie The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much, sir," replied one boy. "We just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys! Boys!" the preacher intoned. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, we never thought about sex at all." The boys replied in unison, "You win, Pastor. Bilingual A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow." Bill Gates Died Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!""Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??" "That was a demo," replied St. Peter. Billings A wealthy couple had plans to go out for the evening. The attractive woman of the house decided to give their butler, Billings, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and that he should just relax around the home and enjoy his evening. As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay though, as several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Billings sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and sighed. "Billings," she said. "Take off my dress." He did this slowly and carefully. "Billings," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her and gulped deeply. "Billings," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount. Finally, she looked at him and said, "Billings, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!" Billy Bob Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalized?" "Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle." This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" Billy Bob answered, "Because he's never seen a train crash." Bingo There was a man who had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off and he couldn't provide her with the things she wanted, so he made do by doing everything she asked around the house. One night the wife came home late, wearing a diamond necklace. Knowing that he hadn't given her the money to buy such expensive jewelry, he asked, Where did you get that from" The wife quickly replied, "I won it at bingo, now go draw my bath." He did as she commanded and said not another word about it. The next night the wife came home late, wearing a mink coat. Once again, the husband became suspicious and asked, "Where did you get that from?" The wife replied: "Same place as the necklace. I won it at bingo. Now go draw my bath." Once again, he did as he was told and said not another word about it. The next night the wife came home late again, this time driving a brand new Mercedes Benz. The husband, overcome with suspicion asked, "Where the Hell did you get that from?" His wife, still trying to maintain her cool, and her control over her husband. answered, "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things from!! I told you where I get this. I won it at bingo. Now go upstairs and run my bath for me, and not another word about it!" The man quietly went upstairs. A few moments later the wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife yelled from the bathroom "How come you put so little water in the tub?" The husband yelled back from the bedroom, "I didn't want to get your bingo card wet." Black Board Message One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!" Blind Man There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!" Blind Pilot One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the flightdeck crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appeared in the rear of the plane, and began walking towards the flightdeck through the center aisle. Both appeared to be blind. The pilot was using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbled down the aisle, and the co-pilot was using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other and with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin to panic. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices become more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less that 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the vary last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the flightdeck, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!" Blonde and - she sent me a fax with a stamp on it - she thought a quarterback was a refund - she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order - she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center - she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats - under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics" - she tried to drown a fish - she spent 20 min. looking at the juice box because it said "concentrate" - she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK" - if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back - she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept - on the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius" - she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store - if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless - she studied for a blood test - she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train - she sold the car for gas money - when she saw under 17 not admitted at the movie theatre, she went home and got 16 friends - when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved - she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill - when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice Blonde Stewardess An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" Blonde's Again 01)A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets. After a while she has a coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the cokes around her on the floor. Finally, the guy behind her, getting pissed off, asks her, "What The HELL Are You Doing?! She responds, "Duh, I'm winning." 02)Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little envelope. 03)How do you keep your blonde secretary occupied? Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them. 04)What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window? Refueling. 05)Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain. 06)What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring. 07)Why can't blondes be pharmacists? They can't get the bottle in the typewriter. 08)What's the definition of eternity? Four blondes at a Four-way stop. 09)What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket. 10)What to you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar. 11)What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "Oh look! Donut seeds!" 12)Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes Goes In First. 13)A blonde went in to the hairdresser to get her haircut. She was wearing headphones. When the hairdresser asked her to remove them, she told them she couldn't. The hairdresser told her she would have to take them off in order to get a good haircut and she said, "I can't. The doctor said if I take them off I will die." So the hairdresser proceeded to cut her hair with the headphones on. In the process, she accidentally knocked them off and the lady fell over dead. They were startled and couldn't figure out why that would have happened. They picked up the headphones to listen and heard a voice saying, "Breathe in-breathe out, breathe in-breathe out." 14)A stewardess encountered a blonde sitting in the first class section with a business class ticket. She told her she would not be able to sit in that section and the blonde refused to move. She said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." The stewardess went to the head steward who went to the lady and again asked her to move because she was sitting in the first class section and didn't belong there. Again the lady said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." Finally, in exasperation they went to the pilot and explained the situation. He replied, "Oh, I can take care of that. My wife is a blonde." He went back and whispered to the lady and she immediately got up and walked back to the business section. The others were curious as to why she responded so fast to him and asked for an explanation. The pilot said, "Oh, it was simple. I just told her that the first class section wasn't going to New York 15)Sally (no doubt a blonde) was painting her living room one hot day. "Why, her friend asked her, are you wearing two jackets?" "Because," said Sally, "the directions on the can said to put on two coats." 16)Did you hear about the blonde who complained to the judge about her car being towed away? She told him there was a sign there that said "FINE FOR PARKING" 17)Crying her eyes out, the blonde approached the policeman and said that her dog, Fido, was lost. When he suggested that she put an ad in the paper, the blonde replied, "Well, I thought of that, but then I remembered that dear little Fido can't read." 18)A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!" Blondes Fight Back 01. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. 02. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown-bagging it. 03. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it. 04. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them. 05. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible. 06. What is the difference between a brunette and garbage? Garbage gets taken out at least once a week. 07. What's a brunette's mating call? Has the blonde left yet? 08. What did the brunette say after having sex? Are you all guys on the same team? 09. Why don't brunettes make good cattle ranchers? Because they can't keep their calves together. 10. What goes screech-vroom, screech-vroom? That's a brunette driving through a flashing red light. 11. What's the difference between a brunette and a 747 jet? Some men have never been in a 747. Breaking Wind Here was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in." Breast Milk A question had appeared in an examination which read, "Give four uses of breast milk?" A student began to answer the question. 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal them. 3. Available whenever necessary. But the fourth point eluded him. When there were barely a couple of minutes for the exam to close the much required fourth point flashed to his mind. So he completed the answer by writing 4. Available in attractive containers. Breeding A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple martini. Thirty seconds later a lady walks in and ordered a triple martini. The bartender says "Wow! Two back-to-back triple martini's! Are you celebrating anything?" She says "Yes, for ten years, I've been trying to get pregnant and this morning I left the doctors office and he said I was pregnant!" The bartender looks at the guy and says "Are you celebrating anything?" He responds "Yes. I breed peacocks. And for ten years, I've been trying to breed a peacock with blue eyes. I walked out from the birdhouse this morning and there was a beautiful, blue-eyed peacock!!" The bartender says "Congratulations! How'd ja do it??" He said "I changed cocks." The woman replies, "Really? Me, too!" Bridal Suite A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. "Congratulations!" says the clerk. "Would you like the bridal then?" "Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it." Bring In The Camel A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town." Bronze Rat A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the bronze rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously. Now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge there is a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up out of reach and clinging tightly to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over thebreakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the exhausted tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer." BS X 3 Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. Bubba One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet. Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!! The man asked Bubba, 'I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice...' Bubba laughed and said, 'Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!" The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, 'Bubba, is that you?" Bumper Stickers (93 of them) A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. All men are idiots ... I married their king. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. Cats ... the other white meat. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Cover me. I’m changing lanes. Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive. Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink. Earth first...we’ll mine the other planets later. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Give pizza chants. God must love stupid people, he made so many. Guns don’t kill people ... but they make it real easy. Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do. Hang up and drive. Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now. Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply Horn broken, watch for finger. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. I don’t care, I don’t have to. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. I get enough exercise pushing my luck. I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made. I have the body of a God... Buddha! I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. I need someone really bad... are you really bad? I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like his passengers. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. I’m driving this way just to piss you off. I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. If something goes without saying, LET IT! If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk. If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast. If, a two letter word for futility It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole. Keep honking, I'm reloading. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot. Lord save me from your followers. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Montana -- At least our cows are sane! My kid had sex with your honor student. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Prevent inbreeding: ban country music. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from! Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. So many recipes, so few cats. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. There are only 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. There’s too much blood in my alcohol system. There’s too much youth, how about a fountain of smart. This isn’t burger king, you can’t have it your way. This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket? Where there's a will, I want to be in it! You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! |