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$465,000 Quiz Show
Jane was a first time contestant on the $465,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax, honey," her husband, Bubba, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Bubba grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." He replied. Jane waited impatiently for Bubba's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Bubba returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Bubba, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Bubba asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $465,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, huh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough," Said the game show host," CONGRATULATIONS!!"

11th Commandment
In light of the recent Clinton controversy, the Christian church has added an 11th commandment............."Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff !!"

201 Men
Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died", said the man. Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."

24 Hours To Live
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex. Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex. Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees. After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?" Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know, you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"

3 Buddies
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

A frantic man calls 911 and says " my wife is in labor and her contractions are 2 minutes apart.....quick quick send an ambulance" The 911 operator says "calm down sir, is this her first child?" The husband says "no you idiot, this is her HUSBAND"

A Bird Named Chet
Searching for the perfect gift for his dear wife who loved animals and birds in particular, a man dropped in to the local pet shop to see if he could come up with an idea. The pet store manager told the man, "I have just the thing you're looking for, a bird named Chet". Impressed with the look of the bird as the manager pointed out "Chet" on the near by perch, the man was even more intrigued when the manager pointed out that "Chet" could sing Christmas Carols. Approaching the bird "Chet", the manager took out his lighter and said "Yes, just listen." As the manager lit his lighter and moved it gently below Chets right foot the bird immediately broke into "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all...." but then, when the manager moved the lighter below Chet's left foot, the bird switched to "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the one's...". Astonishment was the only way to describe the husband's reaction and he said, "I'll buy him, what a perfect gift for my dear wife." Racing home with Chet, the man knew he couldn't keep this wonderful gift from his wife until Christmas day. He presented Chet to her immediately and remarked, "Not only is he a pretty bird, but he sings too, Dearest." His wife was totally overwhelmed as her husband demonstrated Chet's skill at singing Jingle Bells and White Christmas moving his lighter back and forth between Chet's right and left foot. "What happens if you put the lighter under both his feet at the same time?" asked the man's wife. "I don't know sweet, lets try it and see." As the man move his lighter under both of the birds feet, the bird began to sing: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

A Guy And His Beer
A guy went into a bar, sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender handed him a draft beer and left it in front of the guy. The bartender then returned to the other end of the bar. The guy drank half the beer and poured the other half on his left hand. The bartender saw this and just shook his head. The guy asked for another beer. The bartender handed him another and resisted the temptation to ask the guy what he was doing. Once again, the guy drank half the beer and poured the other half on his left hand. The bartender has seen a lot of strange behavior from drunk people, but this guy was sober! The guy asked for another beer. The bartender handed him another and found that he couldn't resist asking, "Buddy, I can't help noticing what you're doing. What's going on?" The guy looked at him and said, "What does it look like? My date and I are having a drink!"

A Letter From Camp
Dear Mom & Dad: 
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

A Little Mixed UP
Just a line to say I'm living, That I'm not among the dead, Though I'm getting more forgetful and mixed up in my head. I've got used to my arthritis, to my dentures I'm resigned. I can manage my bifocals, But, Oh , I miss my mind. For sometimes I can't remember when I stand at the foot of the stairs If I must go up for something Or I've just come down from there. And before the refridge, so often My poor mind is filled with doubt Have I just put food away, or have I come to take some out? And there's times when it is dark With my nightcap on my head I don't know if I'm retiring, or just getting out of bed. So, if it's my turn to write you There's no need you getting sore, I may think that I have written and don't want to be a bore. So remember, I do love you, And wish that you were near But it's nearly mail time, So must say, "Goodbye Dear" Love, Me 
P.S. Here I stand beside the mailbox With face so very red, Instead of mailing you my letter, I've opened it instead ! ! !

A Pope In Heaven
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment." "Is there anything which your holiness desires?" "Well yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time." Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, Repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', There's an 'R'!!!" "Look, the word is celebrate, not celibate! 

Abe Lincoln
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

I was holding a notice from my 13 year old son's school announcing a meeting to preview the new course in sexuality. Parents could examine the curriculum and take part in an actual lesson presented exactly as it would be given to the students. When I arrived at the school, I was surprised to discover only about a dozen parents there. As we waited for the presentation, I thumbed through page after page of instructions in the prevention of disease. I found abstinence mentioned only in passing. When the teacher arrived with the school nurse, she asked if there were questions. I asked why abstinence didn't play a more noticable role in the material. There was a great deal of laughter, and someone suggested that if I thought abstinence had any merit, I should go back to burying my head in the sand. I sat back down in embarrasment, unable to respond intelligably. The teacher then explained the role of the school was "facts" and "morals" belonged at home. For the next 20 mins the other parents seemed to be giving unqualified support for the materials, and eventually, the meeting ended with, "Donuts at the back!" The others got up and milled around, shaking hands, putting name tags on, and enjoying the treat. I sat, as the school nurse tried to convince me to join them. A voice told me not to. I sat by myself, why, I don't know. When the session was called back to order, the teacher thanked everyone for putting on their name tags, ignoring me. The nurse then announced that she would be giving the same lesson to the parents as they did to the children. She instructed them to pull back the white adhesive on the tag, and explained that she had drawn a flower on the back. "Who has it?" she asked. And a gentleman stood up. "Do you remember who you shook hands with," asked the nurse. And the man identified 12 or so. The nurse said, "Well, the flower represents disease, and everyone you shook hands with has it now." As they talked, they discovered that they had all shook hands with each other. The nurse said, "Well, since we all shook hands, everyone is infected." It was then that I stood up and said, "Not all of us were infected...one of us abstained."

Actual Business Signs
On an Electrician's truck: 
"Let us remove your shorts." 
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: 
"Best place in town to take a leak." 
In a Non-smoking area:
"If we see you smoking we will assume 
you are on fire and take appropriate action." 
On Maternity Room door:
"Push, Push, Push." 
On a Front Door:
"Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." 
At an Optometrist's Office: 
"If you don't see what you're looking for, 
you've come to the right place." 
On a Scientist's door: 
"Gone Fission" 
On a Taxidermist's window: 
"We really know our stuff." 
In a Podiatrist's window:
"Time wounds all heels." 
On a Butcher's window:
"Let me meat your needs." 
On another Butcher's window: 
"Pleased to meat you." 
At a Used Car Lot: 
"Second Hand cars in first crash condition." 
On a fence: 
"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive." 
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." 
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." 
Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people." 
At an Auto Body Shop: 
"May we have the next dents?" 
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium:
"Drop your pants here." 
On a desk in a Reception Room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." 
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" 
On a Music Teacher's door:
"Out Chopin." 
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. 
However, if you don't, you will be." 
In a Beauty Shop: 
"Dye now!" 
On the side of a Garbage Truck: 
"We've got what it takes to take what you've got." 
On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte." 
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up." 
Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria:
"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. 
Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library:
"Bach in a minuet." 
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait." 
In a Counselor's office:
"Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional

Actual Office Manager Quotes
01 As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
02 What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. 
03 How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
04 E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. 
05 Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people. 
06 This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. 
07 Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
08 No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

Adam's Companion
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God what would a woman like this cost him? God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib"? The rest is history.

Adam's Suit
A little boy opened the big old family Bible and with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!"

Advertising 1
Two advertising execs were having lunch and talking. The young trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Charlie Harris been hanging out ? I haven't seen him for a while." The Senior Exec replied "Haven't you heard ? Charlie went to that great agency in the sky." "Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What did he have?" "Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec, "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after."

Advertising 2
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, 
"TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, 
They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read..........

Afraid Of Dentists
A voluptuous blonde entered the dentist's office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his Utensils. "Oh doctor," she exclaimed,"I'm so afraid of dentists, I'd rather have a baby then get my teeth drilled!" "Well miss," the doctor said, "better make up your mind before I adjust the chair!"

After All Is Said And Done
A man comes home for a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to to their seperate beds however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the women gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says " Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The women gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says "Clumsy bitch."

AGE is mostly a matter of mind. If you don't mind it, it doesn't matter. 
TODAY's FORECAST: Partly rational with brief periods of coherent thought giving way to complete apathy by tonight. 
GOOD NEWS: I've finally discovered the Fountain of Youth. 
BAD NEWS: At my age, I've forgotten what I wanted to do with it. 
I'm not confused, I'm just well-mixed. 
Never ask old people how they are if you have anything else to do that day. 
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. 
One of the side benefits of forgetting names and faces You keep meeting new people every day . 
I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer. 
I'm usually interested in going home before I get where I'm going. 
I'm good on trips for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano and antacid. 
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. 
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying. 
I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over. 
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. 
I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.... 
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians... 
I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm positive I did housework correctly, before my mate retired.
I' m realizing that aging is not for sissies. 
I'm anti-everything now; anti-fat, antismoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammation....
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. 
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. 
I'm in the initial state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP..... 
I'm wondering...if you're old as you feel, how could I be alive at 135? 
I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the store room. 
I'm a senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of life!!!!

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. 
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. 
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. 
I don't date women my age. There aren't any. 
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. 
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent. 
The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. 
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. 
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. 
As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns. 
I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. 
You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet. 
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along. 
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. 
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. 
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Alien Swapping
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.  "Just how do you guys do it?" asks the Earthling.  "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.  Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.  The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member-about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.  "I don't think this is going to work," says the woman.  "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"  "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"  "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.  With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.  "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.  "Wow!" she exclaims as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.  The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.  As they walk along, the Earth male asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she says, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was OK," he replies, "but a little weird. The whole time she was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Air Force "Squawks"
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." 
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." 
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." 
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." 
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." 
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." 
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm 
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative." 
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing." 
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Alligator Shoes
A young lady was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She was probably a blonde but the story didn't state this fact. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the lady shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the lady turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge nine foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the lady flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Always Give 100% At Work
12% on Monday - - - 23% on Tuesday - - - 40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday - - - 5% on Fridays
And remember, When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off. 
Now get back to work!

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs. They'll warm up." The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out."

Annual Physical 1
An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh !" The man asked the doctor what the problem was. "Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke ?" "No", replied the man. "Do you drink in excess? "No." replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life ". Looking perplexed, the old man said, 
"Which half...the LOOKING or the THINKING ???"

Annual Physical 2
Eighty-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great, physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself? Do you have a good relationship with God?" "God and me are tight," George replied. "We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof! -- the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then, poof! -- the light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically, he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! -- the light goes on in the bathroom and then, poof! -- the light goes off?" Thelma replied, "Darn fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Another Blonde1
A Blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger blown off. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the Blonde replied. The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?" "No, silly! First I put the gun between my breasts and I thought I just paid $10,000 for these, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Another Blonde2
This blonde got a brand new sports car for her 16th birthday, and while she was out driving she was having fun and cut off a tractor trailer driver. The tractor trailer driver motioned her to pull off to the side of the road. When she pulled over, the truck pulled behind her and the driver got out. He took out a piece of chalk from his pocket and drew a circle on the road. Then he told the blonde not to step out of the circle. And he went in to her car and cut her leather seats all up. When he turns around the blonde has a slight giggle on her face. So he says, "you think thats funny, watch what I do now." He goes into his truck and pulls out a bat to smash her windows and her car up. Now she is laughing. He gets mad pulls out his pocket knife again and slices the tires. She starts laughing almost so hard she can't stand up. Now the truck driver gets really mad and goes in to get the gas can and torches her car. Now she is on the ground rolling and laughing out of control. The truck driver turns and asks her, "Whats so funny? I just destroyed your brand new sports car." She replies, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle four times!"

Another Blonde3
Three women escaped from prison....one was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blond. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn, so they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three gunnysacks and decided to put them over their heads for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw. The deputy told him just three gunnysacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them.....so the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it......and she went "Bow-wow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one. Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she went "Meow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one. Then he kicked the one with the blond in it and there was no sound at all, so he kicked it again and the blond said "Potatoes."

Another Blonde4
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!" 

Anything Else
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. I was Driving along the highway I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the home, she paused and asked:
"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more ?"

Apartment Rent
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check or $250 and encloses the following typed note: 
Dear Madam, 
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied;
2) there was plenty of heat; 
3) it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. 
However, I found that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: 
Dear Sir: 
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over ,the country!" "Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

At Any Angle
Two boys are playing football in a park in Indianapolis when one is attacked by a rabid Pit Bull. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Colts Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Colts fan," the little hero replied. "I like college football." "Sorry, since we are in Indianapolis I just assumed you were," said the reporter, and he starts again. "Little Boilermaker Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Purdue fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone was. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm an IU fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Arrogant, Spoiled Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet"

Here lies an athiest, all dressed up and no place to go.

Two middle-aged men were talking and one said to the other, "Tony, you're having an anniversary soon, right?" Tony replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years of marriage." "Wow," said the first man, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary? It's got to be something pretty special" Tony replied, "A trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the first man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go over and fetch her back."